Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: My Partner Told Me He Wants Me to Pee On Him, and It's Freaked Me Out

Matt Lachman Credit: Photo by Kristine Borns

Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.

Hey Matt,
I have been with my partner for three years and recently he told me that he wants me to piss on him and it has freaked me out. I have heard of this before but never thought it would be something I would ever do with anyone. I love him, but I am grossed out and it is really hard for me to wrap my head around this. I don’t know if I can get on board with it and quite honestly, I think it has changed our relationship. He says he wanted me to know to see if I could be into it, but I am not. I don’t know what to do here.

-GH

Oh boy, this is going to be a fun one for people to read. I have been waiting for a kink-specific question to come through, and my wishes have been answered. Nothing like a question about “golden showers” to start the day. I can feel the anxiety and curiosity rising in some of you as you begin to read this. Are people going to know I’m reading an article about “water sports?” Am I going to start getting targeted ads for cases of Evian (my favorite water btw in case you were wondering)? While I can’t promise that Google won’t overhaul your newsfeed with new showerhead recommendations, what I can say is that if you keep reading, my hope is that you’ll learn something about the fascinating world of urophilia. Thank you, GH, for writing in and bringing attention to the wonderful/scary/confusing/lovely world of piss play. I know this is probably a confusing time for you, and I’m here to help. So, let’s break the seal and start talking about this common and misunderstood kink.

Urophilia, also known as urolagnia, “golden showers,” “water sports,” or “piss play,” is a sexual kink where individuals derive pleasure from urine or urination. This arousal can stem from various sensory experiences, such as smelling, feeling, or even tasting urine, as well as engaging in activities like urinating on a partner or being urinated on. For some, the appeal lies in the physical properties of urine (e.g. its warmth, scent, or texture) while for others, the experience is more psychological, associating urination with intimacy, closeness, and trust within a relationship. This kink can also be a way for individuals to engage in various forms of D/s (Domination and submission) play, as well as temperature play.

Despite its taboo nature, urolagnia is more common than many realize, though cultural conditioning often creates feelings of shame around it. Justin Lehmiller, author of Tell Me What You Want, a phenomenal book highlighting research in the field of fantasy, reports that at least 8 percent of heterosexual women, 19 percent of heterosexual men, 20 percent of lesbian and bisexual women, and 40 percent of gay and bisexual men have fantasized about pee play, according to a 2020 survey of more than 4,000 Americans. As sexual fluidity and interest in kink continue to grow, it’s no surprise that more people are exploring a wider range of kinks.

Let’s start off talking about safety when it comes to water sports. While golden showers are generally low-risk compared to other sex acts involving bodily fluids, there are still things to keep in mind. Urine-to-skin contact is usually safe since the skin acts as a natural barrier, but if pee comes into contact with open wounds or enters the mouth, vagina, or anus, there’s a chance of infection. Despite the common myth, urine isn’t sterile. Research shows it naturally contains bacteria that play a role in urinary health. If someone has an active infection, that bacteria could include STIs, increasing the risk of transmission. Urine can also throw off pH balance, so peeing inside any orifice can lead to irritation and infections like yeast infections or bacterial vaginosis. While golden showers are relatively low risk, it’s still good to be mindful of where that stream is landing. Safe sex starts with conversations about health and testing. If you engage in piss play and start feeling unwell afterward, don’t ignore it. Head to urgent care and get checked out. What makes engaging in kink play fun is not only consent but also safety.

I get that you may feel grossed out, GH. A lot of people do when it comes to bodily fluids. As humans, we struggle with the nuance of recognizing these acts as natural while also categorizing them as “gross.” In the kink world, we have a saying: don’t yuck someone else’s yum. What this means is that we don’t shame people for their wants and desires, even if we have complicated feelings about them. Your partner is still the same person you loved before he brought this to your attention. It’s completely okay to have this reaction right now, but remember, human sexuality is complex. This is why sex education is so important. Not because teachers are going around talking about piss play (that would be WILD), but because learning from a young age that sexuality is more than what society deems “acceptable” helps us navigate these conversations with less shame and more understanding. My hope is that you didn’t shame your partner, but if you did, there’s always time to repair.

I do have a question for you, GH. I’m curious why this revelation made you feel a shift in the relationship. Your partner did something incredibly vulnerable. He trusted you enough to share a kink he’s been keeping to himself, likely out of fear of judgment. That’s what we call vulnerability. So, while I’m not saying you need to participate, maybe we can at least learn more about this kink together. I’ve attached a great article here that dives deeper into the world of water sports if you’re interested.

For those of you who may be intrigued but don’t know where to start, the first step is reflecting on your own desires, intimacy, and boundaries before engaging with a trusted and consenting partner. A simple “yes, no, maybe” list can be a great place to begin. Open communication is key. Kink conversations don’t have to be all-or-nothing, and starting slow with negotiation can create a comfortable and safe environment for exploration. When it comes to water sports, a good place to start might be allowing your partner to be in the bathroom with you while you pee and seeing how that feels. If that seems too intense, there’s always auto-erotica and ethical porn to explore as well.

My hope in answering this question isn’t to convince you, GH, or anyone reading this, that they need to start incorporating golden showers into their daily routine (i.e., grocery shopping Monday, laundry Tuesday, water sports Wednesday). I want to validate anyone who has a similar reaction (feeling grossed out by something they don’t understand) while also challenging you to grow. One of the first books I read on my journey to becoming an AASECT-certified sex therapist was When Someone You Love Is Kinky by Dossie Easton. This book is designed to help people navigate the complicated feelings that can arise when a loved one, romantic or otherwise, reveals they have desires that aren’t as vanilla as you may have thought. So, GH, whether or not you choose to dive into the warm waters of piss play, understanding different desires, without judgment, can strengthen your ability to approach sexuality with compassion and acceptance. At the end of the day, we don’t all have to be into the same things, but we can work toward a world where people feel safe exploring their desires without shame, especially with the people they love.

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

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