Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: So I Fake My Orgasms With My Boyfriend. Is This a Problem?

Matt Lachman Credit: Photo by Kristine Borns

Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.

Hey Matt,
So… I fake my orgasms. It’s just easier sometimes, and it avoids awkward conversations and I don’t want my partner feel bad. Is this really a problem? I am still enjoying the sex, I just can’t get there all of the time and I still want him to enjoy it.

-Stacey

Hey Stacey! Thanks for writing into me. It has been so fun getting to talk to everyone who has submitted questions (via this platform) and share my thoughts on the various conundrums that have arisen in their lives around sex and relationships. I have been hoping to see this question come through, and I am glad it is finally here. As much as I would love for nobody to fake orgasms, we are a long way from that becoming a reality due to all of the toxic messaging that still exists around sex.

You are not alone, Stacey. Research conducted in 2019 on 1008 vulva-owners found that 58% had faked an orgasm at least once in their lives. From my own observations, I have found that most of my vulva-owning clients have done it as well. I get it. Well, I don’t get it. I am a penis-owner, and how we have orgasms can be very different, which I will get to a little later. We put so much pressure on the idea of having an orgasm that it is truly exhausting, and I get why someone would fake it.

Let’s start with some anatomy before we dive into the orgasm. Did you know that vulva owners and penis owners actually have the same basic genital anatomy, just arranged differently? Yeah, check out this PG image and see for yourself. This is important for a couple of reasons. First, our bodies are more alike than different when it comes to sexual stimulation. Second, and more importantly, the orgasm of a vulva-owner is more nuanced than that of a penis-owner. For a penis, if the person is in the right headspace, most of the time, all it needs is pressure and speed to achieve climax and, after puberty, produce ejaculate fluid. While penis-owners can fake orgasms, it is far less common, partly due to how easily they can achieve one compared to vulva-owners. Another reason includes the societal acceptance of men being able to access their sexuality while women are told they need to be pure.

But back to the anatomy, vulva-owners have a very unique part in their genitals that penis-owners do not, and it exists purely for pleasure: the clitoris.
Oh, the clitoris. The body part that seems to elude many, many penis-owners (insert joke here about how even with a map, a man would not be able to locate it). In humans, the clitoris is the vulva’s most erogenous area and generally the primary anatomical source of female sexual pleasure. It is also way more than just the external glans you see. The clit is shaped sort of like a wishbone and has internal structures that wrap around the vaginal canal and extend deeper into the body. Because of this, some argue that EVERY orgasm that a vulva-owner has is a clitoral orgasm, while others like to break it down into clitoral orgasms and vaginal orgasms.

While women can have more than just these two kinds of orgasms (check out the A-Spot here), I am going to focus on these two, as they are the most common.
In fact, Stacey, did you know this about vulva-owners? That there can be different kinds of orgasms? I am trying not to sound like a mansplaining douchebag here, but I am genuinely curious, as a lot of the people I talk to don’t know this. A lot of my female clients think all orgasms must be vaginal, penetrative ones, and if not, then they can’t have them. I can only imagine how defeating that can feel for vulva-owners. Imagine being told your whole life that “sex” has to always be penetrative when, in fact, research shows that roughly 20% of women can achieve orgasm through penetrative sex. So, what about the other 80% who can’t? I am curious, Stacey, are you one of these people? Because if so, I have some solutions ahead.

Before we jump into the importance of communication, because isn’t that always the solution? I want to talk about the orgasm gap. Essentially, research shows that roughly 90% of men achieve orgasm during partnered sex compared to only about 60% of women who have sex with men (the number is closer to 80% for women who have sex with women). Why is that? Well, we don’t have time to dive into all the reasons (because that’s basically a whole book), but one particularly interesting factor is the timing difference. When a penis-owner and a vulva-owner have penetrative sex, it takes the penis-owner an average of 5 minutes to reach climax, while for the vulva-owner, it takes roughly 17-20 minutes. That’s a pretty big gap. No wonder vulva-owners can feel unsatisfied. Your car may just be finally warmed up while they have already crossed the finish line.

While I am a firm believer that an orgasm is only 5% of an overall sexual encounter, with the other 95% being the sexual experience itself, it is a very fun 5% and one that every person should experience if they want to, not just penis-owners. So, Stacey, I love hearing that you enjoy the other 95% of intimacy, but we need to re-focus our energy back onto you and less on your partner. Do you think his feelings would be hurt if he found out you were faking your orgasms? Chances are that he probably would. My hope is that he is someone that you can be open with and explore these conversations in a safe space. I know they are awkward, believe me. I talk about sex every day and see it across all of my clients’ faces. Even I get uncomfortable at times talking about it, but don’t tell anyone that! I must appear to be all-knowing and confident at all times. But all jokes aside, there are reasons why amazing books like She Comes First and Becoming Cliterate were written.

Let me wrap up by addressing your question of whether or not it is a problem to fake your orgasms. In true therapist style, I will answer it by saying, it depends. As you have probably gathered by now, I do not want anyone to fake orgasms unless their life is on the line. But I am not a vulva-owner. I don’t experience the pressures that women experience in this world when it comes to sex and intimacy. I know them. I study them. But I don’t live them. Because of this, I want you to consider how potentially freeing it could be to talk to your partner about what will help you have an orgasm. No matter if it is a sex toy, clitoral stimulation, or an extra 30 minutes. My hope is that he will be up to hear it. I want sex to be enjoyable and empowering for everyone, with or without an orgasm attached to it.

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

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