Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: The Complicated Feelings of Being Asexual

Matt Lachman Credit: Photo by Kristine Borns

Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.

Hi! I know I’m asexual, but how do I come to terms with the idea of actually not being okay with sex? I enjoy the physical intimacy & pleasure, but I don’t derive much of anything besides negative feelings from the act itself.

– Anonymous

Hey Anonymous! Thanks for writing in and asking this question. I’m sure a lot of people reading your question may be confused about what you mean when you say you are asexual. Because of this, I’m going to do my best to define it for everyone before diving into your specific question. In general, asexuality is a sexual orientation where an individual experiences little to no sexual attraction. It’s important to note that being asexual doesn’t necessarily mean someone is choosing not to have sex; it simply means they don’t experience sexual attraction in the same way others might. Many asexual individuals still enjoy showing affection, forming deep emotional connections, and engaging in romantic relationships, even if those relationships don’t include sexual activity. Asexuality is also a spectrum, meaning people can fall under different orientations within asexuality. For example, demisexuals are individuals who need to form a strong emotional bond before experiencing sexual attraction. For a full list of the different orientations, click here.

One aspect of human sexuality that I think is important to highlight in response to this question is the myth that sex is something we need as humans. Sex educator and author of Come As You Are, Emily Nagoski, explains that sex is not a biological necessity for survival. While it is often considered a fundamental part of human relationships, asexual individuals can lead lives just as fulfilling and meaningful as those who identify as heterosexual, queer, or any other orientation. Because asexuality exists on a spectrum, it’s always best to ask individuals what they mean when they identify as asexual. Remember, sexuality has always been fluid. We now have terms like asexuality to help us define and understand these diverse experiences.

I had to sit back and reflect a little on your question because it brought up so many thoughts for me. My therapist brain never shuts off, just ask my partner (insert wink here). The idea that you “enjoy the physical intimacy and pleasure, but don’t derive much of anything besides negative feelings from the act itself,” made me think about the concept of sexual aversion and how it can often be experienced by those who are asexual, yet remains completely separate from asexuality itself. Sexual aversion can be defined as a strong negative reaction to sex, often involving disgust, fear, or anxiety. It can stem from personal trauma, past negative experiences, anxiety disorders, or even sensory sensitivities.

People often confuse sexual aversion with asexuality, but they’re not the same thing. Think of it like broccoli. Asexual people are like those who see broccoli on the menu and just aren’t interested. They don’t crave it, they don’t need it, and they’re perfectly happy without it. It’s not that they hate broccoli, it’s just not something they care about eating. Sexually averse people, on the other hand, have tried broccoli and had a strong negative reaction to it. Maybe it made them feel sick, disgusted, or deeply uncomfortable. They actively avoid it because the experience was distressing. So, when I read that you identify as asexual and feel pleasure during sex but hate the act itself, it makes me want to dive deeper into what specifically about the act feels so negative for you. This is where a certified sex therapist or a queer-affirming therapist can help.

Humans can have negative experiences with sex for many reasons. We’ve already discussed how sexual aversion can play a role, but it’s also important to consider broader societal influences. Many cultures portray sex as essential to relationships and fulfillment, which can leave asexual individuals feeling alienated or pressured to conform. While asexuality itself is not caused by trauma, some asexual individuals may have had negative sexual experiences due to coercion, misunderstanding, or feeling obligated to engage in sex to maintain relationships. Additionally, the lack of representation and understanding of asexuality can be frustrating, as many grow up without the language to describe their experiences and feel unseen in conversations about sexuality. Lastly, personal boundaries regarding intimacy play a crucial role—when those boundaries aren’t respected by partners, friends, or society at large, it can deepen negative feelings about sex.

As a licensed clinical therapist, I believe one of the most powerful concepts that exist is the idea of acceptance. Now, acceptance is not just “giving in.” I don’t have to accept the fact that Veronica Mars ended, and quite honestly, you can’t make me! I will continue to promote that show until the day I die. The acceptance I am talking about stems from a theoretical orientation called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. This type of therapy promotes psychological flexibility and helps clients adapt to challenging experiences.

When I talk about acceptance, I don’t mean giving up. Instead, I mean creating freedom in your life by acknowledging what you’re experiencing now, which allows you to challenge it. Many of us spend so much time resisting our thoughts rather than accepting them and working to create new, healthier patterns of thinking. With that in mind, what if you stopped resisting your asexuality and instead embraced it? This shift could allow you to create experiences that feel more authentic and less conflicting. If the idea of acceptance still sounds a little confusing, check out this video.

As I wrap up, I wanted to mention a book that helped me on my journey to understanding asexuality. The Invisible Orientation by Julie Sondra Decker is an excellent resource for anyone wanting to understand the sexual orientation more in depth. It provides clear, accessible explanations of what it means to be asexual, dispelling myths and addressing common misconceptions. The book is especially valuable because it not only explores the experiences of asexual individuals but also offers guidance for allies, partners, and anyone looking to foster more inclusive conversations about sexuality.

You are not alone in what you are experiencing. Many people walk into my office every day struggling with their relationship to their sexuality. This is why sex education programs are so important for healthy sexual development. I encourage you to continue exploring the concept of acceptance and reflecting on what makes sex a negative experience for you.

Oh, and if you need a queer-affirming sex therapist, you know where to find me.

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

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