Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: I'm 47 and In a Two-Year Relationship. Is It Too Late to Explore Kink?

Matt Lachman Credit: Photo by Kristine Borns

Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.

I am a 47 year old woman and I am finally ready to explore different kinds of sex besides just “vanilla.” To say I am nervous would be an understatement. I am in a relationship with my boyfriend and we have been together for two years. I enjoy the sex we are having, but I think I want to try more kinky stuff. Where do I begin?

– Julia

Hey Julia! Thanks for submitting this question. As an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, any chance I get to help others, especially women, explore kink, I enjoy. First of all, I want to honor how beautifully brave it is to even ask this question. So many people struggle with sex as they age. Not only does our world want to erase us as we get older (Hello Ageism!), but it also wants us to lose our sexual selves. You are not alone in this, and I want to celebrate the fact that you’re listening to that inner voice that’s curious, even if she’s a little nervous. I haven’t been able to watch it yet, but I have heard amazing things about the new Hulu show, Dying for Sex. Emily Nagoski, author of the seminal work, Come As You Are, had a huge role in the production. The reason I am pointing this out is because it depicts an older woman who is in the process of exploring various kinks (albeit for very different reasons than you). That curiosity you have? That’s gold.

If I can, I want to start with defining “vanilla” sex for those who may not know this terminology. “Vanilla” sex is typically defined as sex that aligns with what most of us were socially conditioned to think of as “normal.” Think penis-in-vagina, missionary position, lights off, orgasm-centered, with minimal exploration outside of that script. Now, let me be clear: vanilla sex isn’t bad. In fact, it can be amazing. It’s just not the only flavor. And wanting more doesn’t mean something is wrong. It means something in you wants to stretch, play, explore, and taste a little more freedom.

“Kinky” sex, on the other hand, can be anything that deviates from that traditional mold. It can be light bondage, dirty talk, roleplay, sensation play, or yes, even things like golden showers. But here’s the best definition I can give you: kinky sex is sex that prioritizes novelty, intentionality, and freedom over following society’s expected “script.” It’s creative, exploratory, and for a lot of us, it’s healing. Because kink allows us to reclaim our sexual selves after years, sometimes decades, of sex negativity and restrictive messages. My clients hear me say this phrase often: Kink is true freedom.

So where do you begin? Well, I have broken down the process into four steps. Here is how I would do it:

Step 1: Get Curious About Your Desires

Before you bring anything up with your partner, spend time with your own arousal and imagination. What are you drawn to? Is there a scene or activity you’ve fantasized about? Can you trace where that desire came from? How do you feel when you think about it? Excited? Nervous? Ashamed? Journaling can be powerful here. So can ethical porn, podcasts, or kink-affirming books. If you’ve never explored this before, a sex therapist (especially one kink-affirming) can help unpack it all without judgment.

Step 2: Start the Conversation Gently

You don’t need to bust out the latex and flogger at dinner. Start by talking more openly about intimacy in general. Set the tone that you care about deepening your connection, not that something is “wrong.” Share some of your favorite sexual memories together. Ask your partner: Is there anything you’ve ever wanted to try but haven’t brought up? You can even use tools like the Spicer app or the Gottman Card Decks to explore your desires together in a low-stakes way. Create space, not pressure.

Step 3: Take the Risk

I won’t sugarcoat it, this part can be scary. Vulnerability always is. But if your partner is someone who loves you and is open-minded, then trust that sharing this part of yourself is worth it. Say something like: “There’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while, and I want to share it with you. I’m feeling ready to explore some new things sexually, and I’d love to do that with you.” You don’t have to know everything. You just have to start the conversation.

Step 4: Keep the Conversation Open

Kink doesn’t need to be all or nothing. Like gender, it’s not a binary. You don’t have to go from “lights off” to “dungeon” overnight. If your partner is hesitant, meet them where they are. Maybe you’re interested in spanking and they’re not sure. Start with light taps and watch erotica together. Maybe you’re curious about power exchange. Try a little playful dirty talk or light restraint. Consent is not just about “yes” or “no,” it’s about how you explore together, over time, with care. And if something doesn’t go well? Circle back. Reflect, reframe, and reconnect.

As I wrap up, I think it is important to note that kink is not in competition with vanilla, you can love both. Sexual creativity has been stifled by social conditioning, and chances are, you were never taught just how playful, expressive, or expansive sex can truly be. This journey is yours to shape, and there’s no right timeline for when or how you explore. Uncertainty is common. Fear is normal, but so are pleasure, joy, and the thrill of discovering who you are sexually at 47. I am pumped for you, Julia, and can’t wait for you to start the process!

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

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