Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: Healing Shame Through Sex-Positive Living

Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how uncomfortable I feel around anything sexual. I grew up in a religious home, never really got a proper sex education, and I carry a lot of guilt and shame when I even think about sex or pleasure. Is this normal? I’m starting to realize this has really impacted my relationships and how I see myself. I know I want to be more comfortable with my sexuality, but have zero idea where to even start and to be honest, I don’t want to start therapy. So, what can I do?

– Anonymous

I love this question, and honestly, this is one of the most common conversations I have with people, so thank you for naming it, because it’s real. The truth is, we live in a sex-negative world. I don’t mean that in some abstract, dramatic way. I mean it literally. Everywhere we turn, we’re surrounded by messaging that tells us that sex is bad, dirty, dangerous, or shameful. It shows up in our schools, in our media, in religion, in politics, and, most painfully, in our own self-talk. I often talk about the movie, The Matrix, when helping people unlearn sex negativity. Do you remember that movie? If not, thank you, I now feel old. Basically, machines have taken over the world and have trapped us humans in a simulation that we call “the matrix.”

There are humans who have broken free from it and are trying to get others out of it as well, specifically Keanu Reeves because Keanu Reeves should always be rescued if he is in peril. Anyway, my job as a certified sex therapist is to break as many people as possible out of the matrix of sex negativity and into a different world, one of sex positivity.

Let’s define sex negativity first, because naming it helps: Sex negativity is the belief (conscious or unconscious) that sex is inherently wrong, sinful, or dirty. It includes the fear of sex, known as erotophobia, and the discomfort many people feel even saying words like “masturbation,” “orgasm,” or “pleasure.” It’s this insidious cloud that hovers over our bodies and relationships, whispering that we’re too much, or not enough, or that something is wrong with us for wanting what we want. Yet, here you are, questioning it. That’s huge. That’s brave. It is also the first step toward a sex positive mindset.

So, where do you go from here? I’ve got four steps you can start today that will begin to reshape your relationship with sexuality. This isn’t about becoming some perfect enlightened sex god overnight. It’s about taking small, intentional steps to unlearn the shame and relearn the beauty of your sexual self. So, buckle up because this is not going to be a sprint. This is going to be a marathon that is going to take some intention and dedication to pull off.

Step 1. Internal Reflection/Exploration
Let’s get something straight: it is totally normal to not have all the answers when it comes to your own sexuality. Most of us weren’t taught how to understand or explore it. In fact, most of us were taught to avoid it. We got the “just say no” talks, or “wait until marriage,” or some awkward puberty video that taught us that armpit hair and deodorant were more important than understanding what it means to feel desire or intimacy. So, if you’re sitting there thinking, “Where do I even begin?” that makes sense.

One of the first things I encourage people to do is pause and turn inward. Ask yourself questions like: What messages did I grow up hearing about sex? What do I believe about pleasure, and where did those beliefs come from? When do I feel safest to be sexual, and when do I feel the most guarded? Do I feel deserving of pleasure?

If you want to do a more in-depth exploration, I created a short guide called (Re)Discovering Your Sexual Self that walks people through these exact kinds of reflections. It’s not about getting to a right answer, it’s about getting curious. If you can approach this like you would getting to know a new friend, with warmth and without judgement, you’re already doing the work.

Step 2. Read, Read, and Read Some More
If you are anything like me, reading can sometimes be fun and sometimes feel like a chore. But here’s the thing: so many of the sex-negative beliefs we carry were also learned through what we read. Think about it, church pamphlets, abstinence-only sex education, the “modesty” sections in teen magazines, and those weird advice columns that only reinforced shame, all of it left an imprint. So, let’s overwrite some of that old programming. There are some phenomenal books out there that helped me reframe everything I thought I knew about sex. Here are a few favorites: Come Together by Emily Nagoski, The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy, Rebel Love by Dr. Chris Donaghue, Polysecure by Jessica Fern, and Boxes and How to Fill Them by Kristen Lilla.

If reading is not your thing and you like listening to podcasts, here are a few of my favorites: Sex with Emily, Sex & Psychology Podcast, Do We Know Things, and Multiamory.

The goal, whether it is reading or listening to podcasts, is to approach everything with a curious mindset. A lot of what you may read and hear may be extremely challenging or foreign. Don’t be afraid to slow down and give yourself time to process.

Step 3. Follow Sex-Positive Influencers
Whether we like it or not, social media is shaping how we see the world. Algorithms are constantly feeding us content based on what we engage with, so if all you’re seeing is sex-shaming TikToks or fear-based “relationship advice,” it’s time to shift your feed. Here’s what I suggest: Curate your digital space. Start following accounts that promote healthy, shame-free conversations around sex, pleasure, identity, and relationships.

A few go-tos: @clevelandsextherapy (shameless plug! Yep, it’s mine) @queersextherapy, @that.popup.book, @thekinktherapist, @drlauriemintz, @sexwithemily, @cliterallythebest, @gender.specialist, and @drdonaghue.
Don’t underestimate the impact of what you scroll past 40 times a day. Seeing affirming, honest, inclusive sex-ed content starts to rewrite the background noise in your mind. That’s the slow magic of deprogramming.

Step 4. Support and Advocacy
Being sex positive isn’t just about how you talk to yourself, it’s also about what you support. One of the best ways to align with sex positivity is to advocate for those doing the hard work on the front lines. Planned Parenthood, local LGBTQIA2S+ centers, and community health clinics are the spaces offering inclusive sex ed, hormone therapy, STI testing, contraception, and counseling for folks who may not have another safe place to turn. If you’re able, donate, volunteer, and share their resources. Speak up when someone tries to shame others. Sex positivity is also a social justice issue. Access to pleasure, healthcare, and knowledge shouldn’t be a luxury.

As I wrap up, being sex positive is not about being hypersexual, or knowing everything, or trying every kink in the book. It’s about curiosity, compassion, and consent, with yourself and with others. It’s about questioning the scripts you were handed and deciding which ones you want to keep. You don’t need to change everything overnight. Just pick one step, maybe it’s journaling, maybe it’s following a new account, maybe it’s ordering a book, and take it. It takes time to adjust to life outside of “the matrix.” You’ve already started the journey just by asking the question, so keep going. I’ve got your back and so do so many others.

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

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