Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: Is Polyamory Right for You?

Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.

Hey Matt. I guess I am curious if you think polyamory is actually sustainable? If so, how do I even begin to figure out if it’s right for me? All I hear is negativity surrounding it.

– Ebony

Hey Ebony! You’re not alone in being curious about polyamory, so thank you for writing in and asking this question. Many people feel the pull toward something that’s not monogamy, but the fear of the unknown (and all the noise out there) can be paralyzing. Let’s just name it: our society overwhelmingly sells us monogamy as the one and only “correct” way to do love. It’s in everything: Disney movies, Top 40 hits, wedding culture, even how our taxes are structured. The idea that one person should meet all of your emotional, sexual, and relational needs is so deeply embedded that anything outside of that often feels “wrong” before we’ve even had a chance to explore it.

But here’s the truth: monogamy isn’t the only way and honestly, it’s not the best way for everyone. I think a lot about my own journey into polyamory and how hard it was for me to learn this new relationship structure. The great Jessica Fern, author of Polysecure, talks a lot about how we go through why she calls a “paradigm shift” or “paradigm shock” when moving from monogamy to polyamory. This means organizing your reality to fit a new lens instead of the one you were given.

For some folks, polyamory (also known as ethical or consensual non-monogamy) feels like a far more authentic way to show up in relationships. It allows space for more than one connection to be valid and important, without diminishing any of the others. But let’s be real, just because something feels right in your gut doesn’t mean it’s easy to jump into, especially when there are so many myths floating around that can make people feel ashamed or afraid to even try. So let’s break a few of those myths down:

The first myth that I hear often is that polyamory is doomed to fail. People act like being poly is asking for heartbreak. The reality? Polyamory doesn’t fail, people fail at polyamory when they don’t have the education, tools, or support systems in place. You wouldn’t tell a new parent to just give up their child because it is hard, would you? It is the same with polyamory. The construct in it of itself is not the problem, it is the people who struggle to adapt to it. Most of us didn’t grow up seeing models of successful poly relationships. We weren’t taught how to navigate multiple loves, how to manage jealousy, or how to have honest conversations about boundaries and wants without guilt or shame.

Add in toxic gender roles, like men being encouraged to “spread their seed” while women are expected to be self-sacrificing or emotionally accommodating, and the whole thing can get messy fast. But that’s not a polyamory problem. That’s a society problem. When folks enter this space without unpacking those scripts, things can spiral. But when they do the work? When they reflect, communicate, and grow intentionally? Polyamory can be just as sustainable and rewarding as any monogamous relationship.

Another myth that shows up often is that you cannot have any rules in polyamory. People love to say that poly means “no boundaries” or “everyone just does what they want.” One of the biggest differences between mono and poly relationships is that monogamy often comes with a pre-loaded rulebook, most of it unspoken. You don’t usually sit down and say, “Hey, I won’t sleep with anyone else” in a monogamous relationship; it’s just assumed. But in polyamory, you build that structure intentionally. You and your partner(s) get to design a relationship model that makes sense for everyone involved. That might mean scheduling date nights with different partners, creating boundaries around STI testing and safety, or setting expectations for how much you want to know about your partner’s other relationships. It’s not about control, it’s about creating a safe space for everyone to show up intentionally with one another.

While I could go on and on about busting myths relating to polyamory, I wanted to move on to helping you decide if polyamory is right for you, Ebony. Here are three essential questions I encourage everyone to ask themselves before diving in:

1. What’s your reason for wanting this?

Are you craving more freedom? More intimacy? Are you hoping this will “fix” a stagnant relationship, or are you genuinely interested in expanding how you experience love? You don’t need a perfect answer, but you do need an honest one. Because when shit gets hard (and at some point it will), that “why” will be your anchor. Polyamory done well requires so much self-awareness. So Ebony, give yourself the gift of reflection here.

2. How do you plan to approach new or existing relationships?

If you’re already partnered, how do you plan to bring this up? What kind of agreements might you want to explore together? Are you ready to sit with your partner’s fears and insecurities as well as your own? If you’re single, think about how you’ll share your values with potential partners. You’ll likely come across people who aren’t aligned with your approach, and that’s okay. But clarity from the jump will save everyone time and heartache.

3. What’s your relationship with jealousy?

Jealousy is normal. It doesn’t mean you’re not cut out for polyamory. It means you’re human. The real question is: what do you do with that jealousy? Start tracking your triggers. Do you feel jealous when your partner is out late? When you don’t feel prioritized? When you’re comparing yourself to someone else? Get curious and practice self-soothing. A lot of the work in polyamory is less about managing others and more about managing yourself and how you respond to difficult situations.

At the end of the day, there’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to love. If monogamy doesn’t feel like home, it’s okay to explore other paths. Just don’t do it blindly. Educate yourself and challenge your assumptions. Talk openly with your partners and it is okay to ask for support. Polyamory isn’t the “easy” way, but it can be the right way, if it aligns with your values and you’re willing to put in the work. Remember Ebony, you deserve love that fits you, not love that just looks good on paper or what society is shoving down your throat.

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

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