Savage Love: Can Someone Be Homosexual and Asexual?

Quick questions and answers

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Can someone be both homosexual and asexual? I can’t wrap my brain around this one.

Sure, a person can be asexual while also being homosexual… because asexuality is a spectrum, and that spectrum is broad and vast and includes people who experience sexual attraction and sometimes choose to act on their sexual attraction. Basically, some asexual guys want boyfriends but don’t wanna fuck ‘em at all, other asexual guys want boyfriends but don’t wanna fuck ‘em much. It’s really not that confusing… unless you happen to be dating a guy who either doesn’t know he's asexual or knows it and hasn’t told you, in which case you’re likely to be as confused as you are frustrated.

I’m a recently divorced 53-year-old bi-curious woman living on the East Coast. I was with my ex for most of my life and he never mentioned this, but since I have begun dating, each new partner has told me how tight I am. You would think this was a good thing! I recently began dating a man who says he loves how tight I am. However, he also says it is making him come quickly. His marriage recently ended too, so he hasn't had a lot of sexual experience either. So, I don't know if he just comes quickly or if it’s because of me. Do you have any suggestions?

Maybe it’s you — maybe it’s that you’re tight (which most men regard as a good thing) — or maybe he’s a premature ejaculator and he’d rather blame you than admit to it. Either way, don’t let him stick his dick in you until after he’s made you come at least once.

Why do all the gay guys in my age group — guys I like — not want me? And why do only a few men above my age group — guys I also like — want me?

It’s a mystery — a mystery best pondered sitting on the dick of an older guy who wanted you and got you.

Any tips for safe sex during threesomes? Thinking about having a MFF threesome!

There’s no such thing as safe sex, there’s only safer sex. To be completely safe, skip the threesome, stay home, and take a nice, long, relaxing bath instead. Or not. According to the CDC, every year a quarter of a million people wind up in the emergency room after a fall in the bathroom and thousands more never make it to the ER because they DIED naked, wet, and alone after falling out of their tubs. Meanwhile, fewer than 50,000 people are diagnosed with primary and secondary syphilis annually. So, you’re probably safer at that threesome — provided you don’t shower before or after it. Or ever again. (Full disclosure: Almost 700,000 people got gonorrhea in 2020 and 1.5 million people got chlamydia.)

As for making the sex safer, get tested, share your STI statuses, and use condoms. (Condoms, when correctly used, will protect you from syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, HIV, and pregnancy.) Basically, follow the same risk-reduction strategies you would follow for a twosome — with one addition: if M wants to fuck both Fs, he needs to change condoms each time he swaps holes. And to make your threesome emotionally safer, all three of you should be clear about what you do and don’t want, and everyone should agree — out loud — that if someone feels left out, unsafe, or uncomfortable, they can call a timeout without the other two pouting about it.

Newly non-monogamous and dating after 16 years of monogamy. How to lighten the “let down” feeling when a date I've been looking forward to is over and I have to go back to my "regular” life?

Your marriage, aka your “regular” life, will fall apart if fun (going out, doing things, having adventures) is reserved for dates and stress (paying bills, doing chores, raising kids) is reserved for your spouse. New-relationship-energy-infused dates are effortless fun (usually), whereas keeping things fun with a spouse requires thought, effort, and MDMA.

You always say that a new dad has to be willing to go with little or no sex for a long time and can’t bring up non-monogamy. Does the same go for the mom if she’s the one who wants it more?

Women who’ve just given birth are usually less interested in (or capable of) sex for all the obvious reasons (physical trauma, physical exhaustion, emotional exhaustion), but studies have shown that men’s testosterone levels dip after becoming fathers, which can tank their libidos. Regardless of who wants it more, the best time for two people to discuss non-monogamy is BEFORE they’ve scrambled their DNA together, not after. If you didn’t have that conversation before becoming parents, you should wait a year — at least — before bringing it up.

In college my boyfriend found out his girlfriend was cheating on him with a friend. He told his friend he didn’t care, since he was planning to break up with his girlfriend at the end of the semester, and they both kept fucking her. She didn’t know they both knew. What she did was wrong (cheating), but I think my boyfriend and his friend did something worse, as she didn’t know she was being “shared” like this. How do I get my boyfriend to understand?

Sharing your boyfriend...

There is more to this week’s Savage Love. To read the entire column, go to Savage.Love.
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