Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.
I am a guy. I once had a girlfriend but now l am single, so the thing is that every time I go to watch porn, I get myself into gay porn and starting to feel like I want to know that feeling of the cock being inside my ass and end up touching myself or even fingering my ass.
- Anonymous
It blows my mind that in 2026 I still come across so much societal rigidity around men’s sexuality. Sure, bisexuality is on the rise, and Gen Z men report identifying as bisexual at higher rates than previous generations, but that does not mean we are in the clear. If I told you that two women kissed each other, would you automatically assume they were lesbians? Probably not. Yet, when two men do it, suddenly they must be gay. When it comes to porn, we can be even quicker to use what someone watches as an identifier of their sexuality. I don’t want to spend too much time driving home this point, but it is important for me to say that watching a specific kind of porn does not turn someone gay, straight, bi, or anything else. Porn doesn’t have that kind of power. What is more interesting to me about your question is that you seem to be moving beyond what you enjoy watching and becoming curious about what it might feel like to explore some of these desires in real life. That, to me, is the much more interesting conversation, and it is what I want to explore today.
This courageous writer never mentioned how he identifies today, but I can assume and will assume for this article that he probably identifies as straight or more heteroflexible. With that, his porn viewing habits aren’t actually that uncommon. There is one piece of research which surveyed 821 U.S. men about their use of sexually explicit media. They found that 20.7% of heterosexual-identified men reported watching pornography depicting male same-sex behavior. In other words, roughly 1 in 5 straight-identified men in this sample had watched male-male sexual content. So does that mean they are gay and just in the closet, ashamed to admit this to themselves? Non necessarily.
A point I am constantly trying to drive home with these articles and in my work is that your thoughts are not reality. They are not actions and they do not define if you are good or bad, gay or straight, Team Xtina or Team Britney (I am both, in case you were wondering). How are we supposed to evolve as a society if we keep trying to hold everyone to outdated standards and expressions. What happened to experimenting? Trial and error? Why can we go and try that new coffee and explore listening to new kinds of music, but we can’t explore different kinds of sexual expression? How many of you have fantasized about quitting you job and walking out? I am sure a lot of us have, but do we do it? No. Why? Because that fantasy does not necessarily mean we are going to march into work tomorrow and tell our boss to go fuck themselves. Sometimes a fantasy is simply a fantasy. So, if I am straight and watching same-sex porn, maybe it is telling me something and trying to determine what that is should be praised, not shamed.
Now, if the writer just left it at the fact that he feels confused because he is watching gay porn and doesn’t know what that means, what I said above would suffice. What interests me is that he is now taking the porn and not only turning it into his own fantasy, picturing himself as first person, but has started engaging with the physical sensations of anal play by using his fingers. Does this change anything? If doesn’t have to, as we are still in the realm of fantasy. Remember, your body is your sandbox and you get to play in it however you want. But it could be an indicator that he wants to experience the sensation and take this fantasy out of his mind and into the real world.
What I would want to know would be centered around the genitals involved in this anal exploration. The writer mentions thinking about a cock in his butt, but does it have to be a cock? Can it be a strap-on? Does it have to be someone who identifies as male and has a penis or can be a woman, trans, or non-binary individual who has a dildo and is using it on him? Answering these questions will provide him with a lot of next steps in figuring out what this fantasy means long-term. Again, experimenting with a man and trying anal sex does not mean you are gay. Sexual orientation is far more complex than simply looking at the people you have sex with. It can include sexual attraction, arousal, romantic and emotional attraction, fantasy, and ultimately how you understand and identify your own sexuality. Sexual behavior can certainly give us information about ourselves, but one sexual experience does not automatically determine our sexual orientation.
So, Anonymous, my advice is to stop trying to figure out what all of this means before you have even given yourself the opportunity to explore it. Maybe you try anal play with a toy. Maybe you eventually explore with another man. Maybe you love it, maybe you don’t, or maybe it opens a door to a part of your sexuality you had never considered before. All of those outcomes are okay. We put so much pressure on sexual experiences to reveal some hidden truth about who we are when sometimes we are simply curious. So instead of asking yourself, “What does this make me?” I want you to start asking, “What am I curious about?” Then give yourself permission to find out. If all else fails and you still feel stuck, feel free to reach out to us here and we can get you set up with someone who can help you unpack this.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
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