Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.
Lately, I have been receiving a lot of questions around wanting to experience more pleasure during sex so I figured instead of writing several of the same articles, I would write one focusing on the main tips that I think are important and put them in one place. One of the biggest misconceptions I hear often is that pleasure is something that simply happens to you. Either your body responds or it doesn’t. Either the chemistry is there or it isn’t. I completely understand why people think this way when you look around at all the media out there that depicts pleasure as something that’s either effortless or completely out of our control.
The reality is that pleasure is a skill as much as it is a sensation. While there are certainly medical conditions, medications, stress, and relationship issues that can affect sexual enjoyment, many people unknowingly make pleasure harder to access because of the habits they bring into sexual experiences. Think back to the garden metaphor laid out by Emily Nagoski. While there are beautiful flowers in our garden that help us access pleasure, we tend to have more weeds that we need to uproot to fully engage with it. The good news is that those habits can often be changed. If you’ve ever found yourself thinking, “The sex was fine, but I just wasn’t really feeling it,” these five tips are going to be your new best friends.
The first is to slow down. Our culture tends to treat sex like a race toward orgasm. We rush through kissing, skip over touching, and move quickly to penetration or other goal-oriented activities. Your nervous system often needs time to transition into a state where pleasure can fully develop. Spend more time exploring. Kiss longer. Touch with curiosity rather than urgency. Instead of asking, “What’s next?” ask yourself, “What feels good right now?” Slowing down gives your brain and body the opportunity to build arousal instead of chasing it. Next time you have sex, take orgasm off the table. In fact, I highly recommend making out for ten minutes before removing your clothes (just make sure you brush your teeth first).
Second, practice mindfulness. I know, I sound like a cliché therapist by saying this, but it is true. Your brain is your most important sexual organ, and unfortunately it is also incredibly easy to distract. During sex, many people are worrying about their appearance, thinking about work, wondering whether they are taking too long, or mentally running through tomorrow’s to-do list. Every time your attention drifts away from your body, pleasure often decreases. When you notice your mind wandering, gently bring it back to the physical sensations you are experiencing. Pay attention to the warmth of your partner’s skin, your breathing, the pressure of touch, or the sounds around you. Pleasure tends to grow where attention goes. Always remember TTP (temperature, texture, and pressure).
Third, communicate what actually feels good. As much as I would love for my husband to be able to read my mind (wait, would I?), your partner cannot read your mind, no matter how much experience they have. One of the most common mistakes couples make is assuming that “good lovers” should instinctively know what their partner wants. Instead, think of sex as a collaborative experience. Tell your partner when something feels good. Guide their hand. Ask for more or less pressure. Share what you’re curious about. As a society, we need to move past the idea that we are “killing the mood” by talking more and asking for what we want during sex. The mood can be recreated if we give it the attention it deserves.
Fourth, let go of performance. This isn’t the World Cup. We aren’t going for gold or first place or whatever. Many people spend more time evaluating themselves than actually experiencing sex. They wonder whether their stomach looks flat, whether they’re lasting long enough, whether they’re making enough/too much noise, or whether they’re performing “correctly.” There is no “correct” way to have sex outside of confirming consent. This constant self-monitoring pulls you out of the moment. Instead of trying to be impressive, try being present. Great sex is rarely about putting on a performance. It’s about feeling connected to yourself and the person you’re with. This is why I love incorporating a blindfold during sex because it takes away one of our biggest senses and after some adjustment, allows us to settle into what we are experiencing.
Finally, expand your definition of pleasure. We often act as though pleasure only counts if it ends in orgasm, but that mindset causes people to miss so much of what sex has to offer. Pleasure can be emotional closeness. It can be a long embrace after intimacy. It can be discovering a new sensation or simply feeling safe enough to relax with another person. Do you know how many times people laugh during sex? A lot! Ironically, when we stop making orgasm the only acceptable outcome, many people find that orgasm becomes easier to experience because the pressure has been removed. Think about it this way: If I tell myself to not double fault, I probably will. But if I focus on my breath and staying in the moment, the likelihood drops.
The goal of sex is not perfection. It isn’t about checking boxes or meeting someone else’s expectations. The goal is to create an experience that feels enjoyable and authentic for everyone involved. Pleasure isn’t something reserved for lucky people. It’s something we can intentionally cultivate by slowing down and letting go of performance. If pleasure has felt difficult to access for a long time, or if these strategies don’t seem to help, it may be worth speaking with a qualified sex therapist. Sometimes there are deeper emotional, relational, or medical factors involved. But for many people, the path toward better sex isn’t about learning new techniques. It’s about learning how to be fully present for the ones they already have.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
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