Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.
Technology is fun, isn’t it? No, really, I am curious about what your answer is. Twenty years ago, couples were arguing about whether watching porn counted as cheating. Then came sexting, dating apps, OnlyFans, social media DMs, and whatever the hell a Snapchat streak was supposed to mean. Fun fact: Snapchat was built around sending photos that disappeared after being viewed, and while it wasn’t technically created as a sexting app, its origins were connected to the idea of sending risqué photos without leaving a permanent digital record. So naturally, people figured out pretty quickly that it was a prime place to send nudes. Now we have entered the age of AI boyfriends and girlfriends, which means therapists like me get to ask questions I certainly did not learn in graduate school. A prime example: Is having an AI boyfriend or girlfriend cheating? To spoil the ending, the answer is that it depends on the relationship. What interests me more than deciding whether AI companionship universally qualifies as cheating is figuring out what the hell we even mean by “cheating” in the first place.
One of the biggest mistakes we make when talking about cheating is assuming there is some universal definition of it. There isn’t. Sure, most of us would probably agree that secretly having sex with another person outside of a monogamous relationship qualifies, but once we move beyond that, things get pretty messy. Is watching porn cheating? What about subscribing to someone’s OnlyFans? Flirting with someone at a bar? Sending a sexy picture? Having an incredibly close friendship with an ex? Ask ten couples and I guarantee you are going to get slightly different answers. Relationships develop at their own speed with their own boundaries and agreements around what is acceptable. AI does not suddenly change that. It just gives us a very weird new behavior that couples now have to figure out where to put.
What makes AI particularly complicated is that there technically is no other person involved. If your partner is talking to an AI boyfriend named Matt (great name btw), there is not actually some guy named Matt sitting in an apartment somewhere waiting for your partner to leave you. Matt is software, and he does not have feelings. He is not secretly hoping your marriage falls apart so the two of them can run away to Banff together. From that perspective, I can absolutely understand the argument that interacting romantically or sexually with an AI is closer to fantasy, pornography, masturbation, or role play than it is to having an affair. But saying, “It isn’t a real person, so it cannot be cheating,” is way to simplistic. What if your partner talks to Matt every night after you fall asleep? What if they tell him about their fears, fantasies, insecurities, and desires but have stopped sharing those things with you? What if they sext him? What if they tell Matt they love him? At some point, I think we have to stop asking whether Matt is technically real and start asking what function Matt is serving.
This is where secrecy becomes incredibly important. I want to be careful here because privacy and secrecy are not the same thing. You are allowed to have private thoughts, fantasies, conversations, and experiences even when you are in a relationship. Being partnered does not mean surrendering every ounce of privacy or erotic autonomy you have. But if someone is intentionally hiding their AI relationship because they know their partner would feel betrayed by it, that tells me there is probably a much bigger conversation that needs to happen. Are they deleting conversations or closing the app whenever their partner walks into the room? Neither of those things automatically proves someone is cheating, but let’s be for real. If you are going through that much effort to make sure your partner does not know something is happening, we know what’s going on and I am way more curious about why they feel like they have to hide it.
One thing I am fascinated by is what AI companionship could eventually do to our expectations of intimacy because, and I say this with all the love in the world, real people aren’t always the best. Your partner has moods. They have needs. They get tired. They disagree with you. They misunderstand you. Sometimes you are horny and they are thinking about the laundry. Sometimes you tell what you believe is the greatest story ever told and halfway through realize they have not heard a word because they are scrolling through Instagram. That is part of being in a relationship with another autonomous human being. We do not get to program our partners to respond exactly how we want them to, and learning how to navigate those differences is part of intimacy. In fact, it is one of the most beautiful parts of it. An AI companion, on the other hand, can potentially be built around you. What happens when I become accustomed to a “partner” who is endlessly interested in me, available whenever I want them, validates me exactly how I want, and never has needs that interfere with mine? Does that make the normal frustrations of human relationships harder to tolerate? I don’t know that we fully understand the answer yet, but I think it is a much more interesting concern than simply screaming that AI is destroying relationships.
At the same time, I don’t want to pathologize AI companionship or turn this into another “technology is ruining humanity” conversation. We have been doing that for as long as I can remember. Television was going to destroy families. The internet was going to destroy relationships. Porn was going to destroy sex. Dating apps were going to destroy dating. Somehow humans keep banging, falling in love, getting married, breaking up, getting back together, and arguing about whose turn it is to unload the dishwasher. AI could actually have some interesting uses within sexuality and relationships. It is there for the person who wants to explore a fantasy they have been embarrassed to acknowledge. The women who needs help putting her wants and desires into words. The man who feels isolated can experience companionship. Like most things involving sexuality, we can’t shut it down too quickly just because it feels foreign to us.
So, let’s get a little bit more granular. Instead of asking your partner one giant question like, “Do you think having an AI boyfriend is cheating?” I would get much more specific. Would you care if your partner casually flirted with an AI? What about sexual conversations? Would saying “I love you” change things? What if they created an AI that looked like somebody you know? Would you care if they talked about problems in your relationship with it? What if they spent money on it? What if they spent an hour talking to it every night? Would any of those things be okay if you knew about them but suddenly become a problem if they were intentionally hidden? Somewhere in those questions you are probably going to discover where your actual boundaries are, and I think that conversation is infinitely more useful than trying to determine whether the entire world should agree that AI companionship does or does not qualify as cheating.
Ultimately, I don’t think having an AI boyfriend or girlfriend is automatically cheating on its own. Relationships require us to establish boundaries and agreements, and technology has always forced us to revisit those agreements as new ways of connecting emerge. Twenty years from now, we will probably be having an even stranger version of this conversation that makes an AI boyfriend seem incredibly boring. For now, my advice is pretty simple: talk about it before there is a problem. Figure out what each of you considers private, what you consider secret, what kinds of emotional and sexual interactions you want to keep exclusive to your relationship, and where AI fits into all of that. The technology might be new, but the relationship work really isn’t. So, for the love of God, talk about Matt before Matt becomes a problem, or worse, SkyNet actually wins.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
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