Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.
My GF masturbates after looking at erotic pics of women.If I ask her what she thinks about when she plays with herself she says she doesn’t know, when she says that I know she is thinking about women.She said she “isn’t really “into women but I don’t buy that.I think she is repressing her sexuality to a degree.She said she would have sex with a couple she don’t emotionally involved with but not with me and a woman because she can’t handle a woman being with myself and her because she loves me.We’ve been together 10 years I know her very well.We’ve love each other.Does she have bisexual tendencies…she’s been hit on by women before and I know she liked that.
I want to start off this article by stating something that continues to bother me in 2026. First, this is not a shot against the writer of this question as it takes courage to write into me and I appreciate it greatly. This is more so a comment on how our society continues to let us down when it comes to human sexuality. This may sound shocking, but watching something that turns you on is not a declaration of your sexual identity any more than loving horror movies means you secretly want to be chased around your house by a man with a chainsaw. Fantasy gives our brains a place to play. It is not necessarily a blueprint for what we want in real life.
I think this is important to establish before we even get into whether your girlfriend may be attracted to women because we have been taught to treat sexual arousal like some sort of lie detector test for our “true” sexuality. We assume that if something turns us on, it must reveal something deeper about who we really are or what we secretly want. Human sexuality simply does not work that neatly. Our brains can respond sexually to all kinds of images, fantasies, scenarios, and ideas without those things becoming an identity or something we want to pursue. So, when you tell me your girlfriend looks at erotic pictures of women while masturbating, I understand why you are connecting those dots, but I would be careful about assuming you already know what those dots mean.
There are really two separate questions here. The first is whether your girlfriend experiences some degree of sexual attraction toward women. Based on what you described, could she? Absolutely. The second question is whether that attraction means she is bisexual, and that is where things become much more complicated. Research continues to point to the fact that, like gender, we are all way more sexually fluid than we realize. Someone can identify as heterosexual and occasionally experience attraction toward someone of the same gender. Someone can identify as bisexual while experiencing significantly more attraction toward one gender than another. Sexually fluid means our attractions and understanding of ourselves can shift, expand, or become clearer throughout our lives. Yet, that concept is so hard for us to grasp. Your girlfriend could eventually decide that bisexual, queer, bi-curious, or another label fits her. She could also continue identifying as straight while acknowledging that women sometimes turn her on.
This is why I want to separate sexual attraction, fantasy, behavior, and identity. These things can certainly influence one another, but they do not always perfectly align. A woman could find other women sexually attractive without wanting romantic relationships with women. She could masturbate to images of women without wanting to have sex with one. She could even have a sexual experience with a woman and ultimately decide that bisexual does not accurately describe her sexuality. We have become so obsessed with putting human sexuality into clean little categories that we sometimes forget those categories are supposed to help people understand themselves, not give the rest of us a way to define them.
I do think it is interesting what she told you about potentially having sex with another couple, but I do not think it proves what you think it proves. You said she could imagine having sex with a couple she was not emotionally involved with but would not want another woman involved with the two of you because she could not handle seeing another woman with you. That sounds much more like a conversation about jealousy and boundaries than sexual orientation. She could absolutely be attracted to women and still have zero desire to watch another woman have sex with the person she loves. In fact, the fact that she can imagine one scenario but not the other demonstrates exactly why sexual fantasy and real-life sexual desires are so dependent on context.
I am curious about one part of your question and want to provide a slight, friendly challenge. You said that when she tells you she does not know what she thinks about while masturbating, you “know” she is thinking about women. Am I responding to the first ever mind reader? Are you Charles Xavier, leader of the X-Men? In all seriousness, I get why you may strongly suspect that, but you do not actually know what is happening inside her head. Even after ten years together, our partners are allowed to have an internal sexual world that belongs to them. Loving someone and knowing them incredibly well does not give us complete access to their fantasies or private thoughts. Hell, if my partner knew all of the things that I thought about all of the time, we may not be married today. We need to stop treating masturbation like something our partners have to report back to us about. Unless the two of you have established an agreement around something specific, she is allowed to have fantasies that remain hers.
So, is your girlfriend potentially bisexual? Maybe. From what you have described, I certainly think it is possible that she experiences some degree of sexual attraction or erotic interest toward women. But there is a huge difference between acknowledging that possibility and declaring that she is secretly bisexual. Ultimately, her sexual identity belongs to her. I think the more useful conversation for the two of you is not, “Are you secretly bisexual?” but, “Can we create enough safety in our relationship to talk openly about attraction, fantasy, jealousy, and desire without requiring every feeling to have a label?” Fantasy does not always mean reality. Sometimes the things that turn us on mean something deeper, and sometimes they are simply things that turn us on. We need to give ourselves, and our partners, enough space to figure out the difference.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
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