Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.
Hey Matt,
My boyfriend and I are about to have our first threesome (MMF). He is gay and I am realizing I am more Bi and I have always wanted to explore having sex with a woman. His friend has already agreed and we are just figuring out when to do it. Any tips?
- Jason
Oh, the elusive threesome. One of mankind’s many sought after treasures. Typically, when I am talking to people about threesomes, it tends to involve a straight cis couple bringing in a third. I was excited to read your question, Jason, and see a different dynamic unfolding. A common theme in the work that I do is that sexuality is fluid. I talk about it often in these articles. That message usually is directed towards heterosexual individuals as historically, they can feel more pressured to stay within the bounds of their sexual orientation. Reading your relationship dynamic with your partner where it is two queer men wanting to explore with a woman shows the complexity of attraction and arousal in relationships. So, let’s unpack this and see if we can find a route that is comfortable for everyone involved.
As always, it is important to normalize the fantasy itself because if movies and television have taught us anything, it is that everybody basically wants a threesome. Research points to this, especially in a study of more than 1,500 adults, 81% reported at least some interest in mixed-gender threesomes and about 30% reported having experienced one. I am sure you know at least one person who has engaged in group sex (whether they enjoyed it is another conversation). Interestingly for your situation, queer people report both more experience with threesomes and more positive outcomes compared with heterosexual participants. Which makes sense as queer people have less societal pressure around sex and relationships than their straight counterparts.
We also have newer research looking specifically at how people negotiate threesomes. A 2025 study asked 116 adults about their most recent mixed-sex threesome and found that navigating jealousy and developing boundaries were major considerations. Participants also described exploration of same and other-sex sexuality as one of the reasons for having these experiences, which feels particularly relevant to your question. This is where I think we need to move away from the question of whether you “should”have a threesome and toward the much more useful question of how the three of you can create an experience where everyone feels comfortable and respected.
This is where I want to introduce something I use frequently in my work: BARs, or Boundaries, Agreements, and Rules. Let’s do a quick review as most people think they know the difference between a boundary and a rule, as if social media has taught me anything, it is that we in fact, do not know the difference. A boundary is about yourself and what you are or are not comfortable doing. An agreement is something everyone mutually decides to follow. A rule places a limit on someone else’s behavior. Before the three of you do anything, have a BARs conversation. If I can help you get ahead of a very common pitfall, I would say that you cannot create enough rules to guarantee that jealousy or unexpected emotions will never appear, but you can create a framework for talking about them when they do. Follow this link here for a helpful resource.
One of the easiest ways to start that conversation is simply asking, “What is on the table and what is off the table?” What are you excited to explore? What are you unsure about? What is an absolute no? You can even create a middle category of things that are “maybe” or “ask me in the moment.” This conversation needs to include all three of you. It is important to remember that your friend is not an accessory to your relationship. She is an equal participant with her own desires, boundaries, and ability to change her mind. Have you considered the emotional impact of having sex with your friend? What happens if someone feels left out? What if jealousy unexpectedly shows up? What would help each of you feel included? Most importantly, what happens if someone wants to slow down or stop? Consent is ongoing and agreeing to a threesome beforehand does not mean anyone has agreed to everything that might happen once it begins.
I don’t want to assume anything, but have you all had the sexual-health conversation? If not, no worries. People forget about sexual health often in these discussions. Discuss STI testing, barriers, PrEP when relevant, contraception when pregnancy is possible, and everyone’s expectations around safer sex. I would suggest everyone get tested prior to the encounter so that you can mitigate risk before you hop into bed together. Don’t forget about aftercare. Talk about what happens afterward. Are you checking in with each other the next day? What happens if someone wants to do it again and someone else does not? What if exploring with a woman opens up new questions for you about your sexuality? The aftercare conversation can be just as important as the conversation beforehand.
Finally, give yourselves permission for it to be a little awkward. Laugh with one another and call out any weirdness. Three people trying to navigate sex for the first time are probably not going to move together perfectly. Someone may laugh. Someone may not be able to get erect right away. Something that sounded incredibly hot in fantasy might feel completely different in reality. That is okay. Deep breathes go a long way in regulating the nervous system. The goal is not to have the perfect threesome. The goal is for three consenting adults to walk away feeling heard and comfortable with what happened. Have your BARs conversation, figure out what is on and off the table, leave room for everyone to change their minds, and if everyone is still onboard, have fun exploring. Let me know how it goes!
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
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