Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.
I am 39 and date sometimes. I do not have regular sex and find sex more annoying than ever. Am I strange that I have decided not to pursue anyone or anything and rarely do anything sexual? What can I do to get myself back and be open to that again with people or a person? Is it unhealthy to be so closed off?
- Anonymous
As someone who has talked about sex basically every day for the past eight years, let me tell you this: yes, sex can feel annoying at times. There are many reasons for that. For me, it is simply fatigue. For most people who do not have my job, the reasons are often more systemic. We live in a world that is absolutely obsessed with sex. It is everywhere. Movies, TV shows, dating apps, social media, advertisements, and especially music constantly tell us that we should be wanting sex, having sex, and if not, you may be missing out on something great. FOMO (fear of missing out) is real and impacts all of us. When you are surrounded by that messaging nonstop, it makes complete sense that you could feel exhausted by it. For some people, that exhaustion can turn into irritation or even a desire to push sex completely to the side. It can also create this quiet pressure that says you are somehow behind, which can make tossing the whole thing aside feel like relief rather than loss. So, friend, let’s dive into why you are not weird for de-prioritizing sex.
First, let me say this clearly: you are not strange at all. Sex is for you. It is not something you owe anyone. Could you imagine if I turned to my friend and told them that I was deciding to prioritize myself by lessening my interest in something that was causing me stress and they told me I was weird for doing that? If that was the case, I would probably need new friends, but in reality, you choosing yourself is important. There is nothing unhealthy or wrong about deciding to take a break from sexual or romantic pursuits. Many people go through seasons where sex simply is not a priority, or where their relationship to desire shifts. Sometimes that pause is exactly what allows people to reconnect with themselves in a more honest and grounded way later on. If you want tome additional reading, take a look at this study here which details how desire ebbs and flows many times in a person’s lifetime.
I am curious about one thing: have you ever heard of asexuality? Asexuality is a sexual orientation that exists on a spectrum and broadly refers to people who experience little to no sexual attraction, or whose interest in sex is very low or situational. Some asexual people enjoy intimacy without sex. Some engage in sex occasionally. Some not at all. Bringing this up is not about labeling you or deciding anything for you. It is simply about expanding the conversation beyond the idea that everyone should want sex in the same way or at the same frequency. For some people, realizing this spectrum exists can feel deeply validating.
Without knowing anything about you outside of the five sentences you wrote, what you are describing sounds less like you may be asexual and more like exhaustion. Feeling annoyed by sex, uninterested in pursuing people, or wanting distance often shows up when someone is burned out by dating, pressure, or cultural expectations around sex, rather than a core part of who they are. That does not mean asexuality is off the table. It just means this may be a season of needing rest and recalibration rather than a label that needs to be decided right now. I would encourage you to sit and reflect more on this and see what feels right for you. Here is a video you could watch to help.
Let’s talk a little bit about healthy vs unhealthy sexuality. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you if this is healthy or not because it depends on what is underneath it. If you notice that you are actively avoiding sex because of fear, shame, past experiences, or emotional pain, that might be something worth exploring, ideally with support. As a therapist, I believe avoidance can be a signal. Avoiding pain can feel stabilizing at first, but the cracks that come with it will start to show up eventually. At the same time, choosing to take a break because you feel disconnected or uninterested can be a very healthy act of self care. In life, and especially with sex, not everything needs to be fixed.
If you do want to slowly open yourself back up to your sexuality, start small and remove pressure. Reconnecting does not have to mean dating, hooking up, or forcing desire. It can look like getting curious about your body again, noticing what feels good and what does not, consuming media that feels affirming rather than performative, or exploring touch, fantasy, or pleasure in ways that are just for you. If I had to choose one for now, I would recommend a media cleanse and removing all content you feel is causing you distress. Remember, desire often returns through feeling safe and relaxed, not by pushing through stress. If at the end of this you decide that sex remains low priority for you, I think that is very healthy and seems to be the right decision for you.
As I wrap up, if you want more structured guidance around reconnecting with your sexual self without pressure or shame, I created an online course that could help. It is designed to help people explore desire, boundaries, pleasure, and identity at their own pace, whether they are feeling disconnected, curious, or somewhere in between. This is not meant to be a substitute for therapy, but more so a place to start for people who are feeling stuck. Feel free to check it out here.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for generalinformational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
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