Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.
All nine of my previous girlfriends and first wife had sexual relationships other guys behind my back, but eventually flaunted it. I thought it was cool they were so sexual. It turned me on.
Guys pursued each of them. I acted big, like all the guys wanted what I had. Funny thing is all of them eventually left me for guys with huge cocks. We all still live in the same town. When I see them they still flaunt it. My current wife, after a long talk exploring our life and loves, knows everything and has now started dating too. What is it that all 11 women see in me that I don’t know?
-FH
If I told you I knew exactly what this question was asking, I would be lying. FH, I want to congratulate you because you have officially confused me. I am not saying that to make you feel bad in any way, but more so because I genuinely don’t know where to take my response. So, join me as I dive deeper into a few concepts that I think may be helpful for you on your journey. But first, I have to reiterate a saying we have in the sex therapy community: anything that takes place between two or more consenting adults is their business. I don’t fully know your dynamic, FH, but it seems like you may be in a relationship where non-consenting behaviors are happening. If that is the case, no wonder you are feeling deflated. But what do I know! This may be consenting and because of that, I will treat the rest of my response as if it is.
Speaking of consent, one piece that is showing up for me as I read this question is the difference between cheating and consensual non-monogamy (CNM). While I could write a whole column on this difference, because people still seem to not understand consensual non-monogamy or find it a valid relationship style, I will boil it down to one specific statement: cheating is non-consensual play. When someone is engaging in infidelity, they are doing so in secret with the intent to hide the behaviors because they know they will cause harm to their partner or partners. When people explore CNM, the foundation is built on honesty and consent. While cheating can still occur in consensual non monogamy, the foundation of CNM relationships is consent. FH, it sounds like you have been, and are currently, in a relationship that needs some defining in order for it to continue to be sustainable for you.
One piece that I find interesting about your question is the correlation you are making that your past partners left you for guys who have a bigger penis than you do. While I can’t speak for the reason your partner’s left you, my assumption would be that it wasn’t solely due to the size of your genitals. But let’s say that it was, I would tell you that you are better off without them if they are basing your quality as a partner on the length of the member hanging between your legs. Remember, there is no research or evidence that exists that states having an above average penis means you are a better lover, partner, or more masculine than those who don’t. In fact, many vulva-owners have a difficult time having penetrative sex with above average penises because of the pain and discomfort they may cause. So, for those of you reading this who are worried you are not enough, I can assure you, you probably are.
As I mentioned in the beginning, FH, your question has befuddled me to say the least. There are so many routes I could take with it, but what I keep coming back to is wondering what you want to get out of a relationship? Relationships are optional and supposed to bring us love and intimacy at best and contentment and neutrality at worst. For some reason, you seem to be choosing partners who may not be bringing you a healthy connection. I ask my clients all of the time to sit and reflect on what having a relationship will do for them. If you want to be in a relationship that has a cuckold dynamic, then it seems like you are heading down the right path. But if not, it is time to slow things down, maybe find a sex-positive therapist, and explore what you are truly looking for in a long-term partner.
So FH, if there is one place I want to leave you, it is here. You deserve a relationship where consent is clear, communication is honest, and your worth is not measured by comparison or secrecy. Whether that means redefining the relationship you are in, stepping away from patterns that keep leaving you feeling small, or getting support to untangle what you actually want versus what you have been settling for, that work matters. You are allowed to want clarity. You are allowed to want security and you are allowed to want a dynamic that feels affirming rather than deflating. Slow down, get curious, and remember that a relationship should add to your life, not quietly erode your sense of self.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for generalinformational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
Subscribe to Cleveland Scene newsletters.
Follow us: Apple News | Google News | NewsBreak | Reddit | Instagram | Facebook | Twitter | Or sign up for our RSS Feed