Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.
My boyfriend wants sex often. Like four to five times a week, and I don’t. But he tells me he feels rejected, so I try to say yes more to have it but most of the time I don’t want it.
- Anonymous
What a brave question to write in and ask. I think a lot of us reading your question can relate to this scenario. There is a lot happening here so let’s see how much I can tackle and explore in my response. It appears your boyfriend wants sex four or five times a week and you do not. Neither desire is automatically wrong, but the way the two of you navigate that difference matters. If you are regularly saying yes because you feel responsible for preventing him from feeling rejected, you not only are creating a pattern where he thinks these are reasonable requests, but more importantly, sex can begin to feel less like something you are choosing and more like something you are expected to provide. Nothing kills the mood faster than feeling like we are forced to do a behavior we don’t want to do.
I would like to zoom out and talk about our old friend, sex negativity. Sex negativity affects every kind of relationship, but heterosexual couples can feel particular pressure to uphold some deeply outdated ideas about gender and sex. Men are often taught that they should always want sex, initiate it, and measure their desirability through how often their partner agrees. Women are frequently taught that maintaining a satisfying sex life is part of keeping a boyfriend or husband happy, even when they are uninterested (thanks, Purity Culture). We may recognize that these roles are outdated, but that does not mean they magically disappeared. Many people are still acting out these scripts without realizing where they came from.
Our general lack of meaningful sex education makes this even harder. I don’t want to stand on my soapbox for too long, but most of us were never taught how to talk about differences in desire, manage sexual disappointment, or hear “no” without interpreting it as a rejection of our entire existence. We were taught about pregnancy and infections, if we were lucky, but not how to build a sexual relationship between two or more autonomous human beings. As a result, one partner may hear, “I don’t want sex tonight,” and translate it into, “I don’t love you, desire you, or find you attractive.” Those statements are just simply not the same.
We should also talk about the enormous pressure to perform and show up sexually in relationships. We are told that happy couples have frequent sex and that declining sex means something must be wrong. But having sex you do not want is not necessarily evidence of a healthy relationship. Frequency tells us very little about whether the sex is mutually desired or pleasurable and more about time given to the act. A couple having sex five times a week is not automatically healthier than a couple having sex twice a month, but that it hard to digest when we are not shown examples of this in the media or hear it in our friendship circles.
Let’s shift a little and chat about your boyfriend. He is allowed to feel disappointed when you do not want sex. Feelings happen. But his disappointment does not create an obligation for you to change your answer. This is an important distinction that people sometimes struggle with in relationships. We are allowed to make requests of our partners, but making a request does not mean the other person must fulfill it. “Would you like to have sex?” needs to be an actual question, not a polite way of announcing what is expected to happen. Consent and bodily autonomy do not disappear once we enter a relationship. You still get to decide what happens to your body every single time. You may technically be saying yes, but if you feel like saying no will lead to punishment or make you responsible for managing his emotions, there may not be much freedom in that decision. Nobody should have to provide access to their body to prove that they love their partner.
It may help to discuss this outside of a sexual moment, when neither of you is initiating or feeling freshly rejected. You can reassure him that declining sex is not necessarily a rejection of him while also being clear that you do not want to keep having sex out of obligation. The two of you can explore what helps you feel interested, whether you experience responsive desire, what kinds of affection feel connecting without creating an expectation of sex, and how he can handle disappointment without placing it back onto you. Setting up monthly check-ins is a great way to show each other and you both want to prioritize this part of your relationship, and do it in a way that feels healthy for you both.
Listen, you are not broken because you do not want sex four or five times a week, and he is not broken because he does. The goal is not for one of you to win or for you to force yourself to match his preferred frequency. The goal is to build a relationship where both people’s wants matter, both people’s limits are respected, and sex happens because you are choosing it together. Your boyfriend can ask and you can say no. When it is all said and done, a loving relationship has to be able to hold both.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
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