Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.
Hey Matt,
I am straight but from time to time, I watch gay porn or I find myself focusing on a guy in a scene. I don’t have a desire to be with a dude, but am curious what you think about this. It used to bother me when I was younger, but I have accepted it as I have gotten older.
- Anonymous
When I tell you that human sexuality and fantasy are expansive, this is one of those scenarios. For those of you who are reading this article and feel threatened by it, I encourage you to approach this topic from an open mind. This is one of those questions that people are often curious about but hesitant to say out loud, so I’m glad you asked. The short answer is that fantasy does not always equal identity. For many straight men, fantasizing about being with another man is less about wanting to change their sexual orientation and more about curiosity. Sexuality is often taught as fixed and binary, something you either are or are not. This is why bisexuality is still so polarizing for bi erasure still exists today. But when you look at both research and clinical experience, it becomes clear that human desire does not operate that cleanly. Fantasy exists in a different space than identity. It is influenced by imagination, context, history, culture, and emotional states, which means it can include things that do not reflect how someone lives or identifies in their day to day life.
Let’s start with some research for those skeptics out there. Research shows that this experience is more common than people assume, even if people do not talk about it openly. Studies published in The Archives of Sexual Behavior have found that a meaningful percentage of men who identify as heterosexual report some level of same sex attraction or fantasy at some point in their lives. The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior has also highlighted that sexual thoughts, fantasies, and even occasional behaviors do not always align perfectly with identity labels. This disconnect can feel confusing for people who were taught that everything should match up neatly, but in reality, it is quite normal. What we fantasize about is often broader than what we choose to pursue or how we define ourselves.
In therapy, I often try to find non-sexual examples to help my clients understand a concept that may be difficult to grasp. A simple way to understand this is to look at everyday fantasies, like imagining quitting your job in a dramatic way or moving across the world to start a completely new life. Those ideas can feel exciting, freeing, or empowering in your mind, but that does not mean you actually want the real life consequences that come with them. The fantasy gives you a space to explore a feeling or idea without needing to act on it, which is how a lot of fantasies work in general, sexual or not.
One of the most helpful concepts for understanding this is sexual fluidity. Psychologist Lisa Diamond’s research has shown that attraction can shift across time, context, and emotional connection, rather than remaining completely fixed. While much of her early work focused on women, more recent conversations in the field acknowledge that men also experience variability, especially when it comes to fantasy. The difference is that men are often socialized to be more rigid in how they define their sexuality, which can make these experiences feel more confusing or even threatening. I don’t know how often buddies get together to talk about their fantasies, but if they did, they would see how common thinking outside of the norm is for men. When you remove that pressure and look at desire more openly, it becomes easier to see that having a wider range of fantasies does not necessarily mean someone’s identity has changed.
There is also a critical difference between fantasy and behavior that cannot be overlooked. Research by Justin Lehmiller, published in The Journal of Sex Research, found that people frequently fantasize about scenarios they have little or no desire to act on in real life. Fantasy gives people a space to explore taboo, novelty, and intensity without consequence. For some straight men, same sex fantasies fall into this category. They are not necessarily about wanting a relationship or real life experience with another man, but about exploring something that feels different or psychologically stimulating. As a gay male, I have fantasized about being with a women. That doesn’t mean I am suddenly identifying as a bisexual. The brain is drawn to novelty, and fantasy is one of the safest ways to engage with that.
Traditional heterosexual scripts often place men in the role of initiator, performer, or the one who is expected to lead. Fantasizing about being with another man can disrupt that script and allow for imagining what it feels like to be desired, pursued, or even more receptive. That shift in dynamic, rather than the gender of the partner itself, can be what makes the fantasy compelling. There is also a physiological component that complicates how people interpret these experiences. Research on sexual arousal patterns shows that the body can respond to a wider range of sexual stimuli than a person’s stated orientation might suggest. The body’s response is not always a perfect indicator of who someone is attracted to in a relational sense, and assuming that it should be can lead to unnecessary confusion or shame.
As I wrap up, we also have to talk about the role of media and exposure in shaping fantasy. Pornography and digital content have expanded the range of sexual scenarios people are exposed to, often in ways that were not accessible in previous generations. Repeated exposure to different types of content can introduce new ideas and create associations between those scenarios and arousal. Over time, those associations can show up in fantasy, even if they do not reflect someone’s real life desires or intentions. When you take all of this together, the bigger takeaway is this. Having a fantasy does not define your identity. What matters more is how you understand it, whether it aligns with your wants in real life, and whether you can approach your sexuality with curiosity instead of shame.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for generalinformational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
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