While it wasn’t technically Valentine’s Day, the evening was intended as a romantic night out. For starters, it was the rare occasion when the wife and I were dining out just for fun — in fact, we didn’t even know where we’d end up. The plan was to head to Little Italy and tuck into a cute little Italian joint for some pasta and vino. What’s more romantic than that?

The first place that caught our eye was Mia Bella — My Beauty! Could there be a more auspicious name for celebrating romance?

The restaurant occupies the corner storefront that was previously home to Corbo’s Bakery. We had never been there, but from what we could see through the glass, it looked cozy, cheerful, and about half full on a Friday night. I swung open the front door for m’lady, followed her in, and requested a table for two.

“Do you have a reservation?” asked the young hostess.

We did not, but with at least five open tables in sight, we figured it wouldn’t be much of an issue.

Ah, but all those tables were reserved, the hostess explained. Would we care to eat at the bar?

Normally, I’d have no problem with that. But this was a date, dammit, and we were going to dine like civilized folk. I told the hostess we would have a glass of wine at the bar and wait until a table became available.

Less than five minutes in, I could see that things were going irreversibly sour on us. Fresh from the dishwasher, the glass holding my red wine was hot, giving its contents the taste and feel of grape soup.

Given ample free time to idly peer around the room, we noticed with some disappointment that the plants in the place were fake. And when a busboy delivered a plate of bread and butter for us, that kindness just led to other problems.

My wife, starving like me, reached for a piece. What could she have been thinking?

“Don’t eat it!” I barked. “They’ll think we’re eating at the bar.”

After 20 minutes of waiting against a backdrop of open tables, I started to fume. Then I got to planning. Taking my phone into the john so I wouldn’t be heard, I called Etna, a restaurant down the block. “Yes,” the man said, “we can seat you right away.”

After devouring all the bread, we paid the check. Miraculously, a table opened up at that very moment — but no matter. On our way out the door I muttered to an old woman who may or may not have been the owner, “Next time, you should try seating customers right away.”

A lovely stroll down the block landed us at Etna. In the spirit of full disclosure, I confessed to my wife that years back, when the space belonged to Valerio’s, I had made this the site of many a first date.

Predictably, she could not have cared less.

“Sit wherever you’d like,” said the man as we walked in, instantly righting the night with one warm greeting.

We chose a table in the back, as far from Mia Bella as we could get. Despite the odd, cheesy photo of Mount Etna — an active volcano in Sicily — the room was as romantic as I recalled. A tiny wooden bar, a few tables, and low-slung ceilings combined to form a dollhouse-like eatery, where whispered coos and murmurs almost seem required.

We enjoyed Italian red wine, lemony grilled calamari, and garlic-steamed mussels by candlelight, and the evening had, in fact, blossomed into the love fest we’d imagined. As a fresh snow began to fall outside, we could hear the chef pounding the crap out of a piece of veal.

Ah, romantic indeed!

It wasn’t all smooth sailing, mind you. There was the rough patch when, pulling a large shrimp from its butterflied shell, I splattered Mrs. T’s face with tomato sauce. That, and the fact that my veal really had been pounded to death — so much so that it lay in tatters on my plate.

“Is it always mincemeat like this?” I asked our patient but puzzled server. He assured me that yes, it was completely normal for a veal cutlet to look like it had been run over by a monster truck.

To make up for the completely normal smashed veal, the kitchen sent out tiramisu — “compliments of the chef.”

Contentedly licking whipped cream off her lips, my wife pointed out the obvious: In the face of provocation, even assurances of romance aren’t enough to keep a critic from finding fault.

This article appears in Feb 8-14, 2012.

For 25 years, Douglas Trattner has worked as a full-time freelance writer, editor and author. His work as co-author on Michael Symon's cookbooks have earned him four New York Times Best-Selling Author honors, while his longstanding role as Scene dining editor has garnered awards of its own.

12 replies on “Tool of the Trade”

  1. Real chef’s and restaurant staff cannot stand d–chbags like you who think they know it all so much that they can be such a piece of sh-t to people with your sarcastic smirk. be happy you have a writing degree, because i can guarantee most of your kind cant come close to working 1 shift in a busy kitchen.. golden rule @sshole.. bet you dont even tip 20% when you’re on a critique trip.. sure, life on easy street, but can you really be PROUD of what you do for a living as something honorable?… what a stuck up d-ck!! all of your kind.

  3. You say you waited 20 minutes. Most restaurants assume diners will spend 1.5-2 hours at their table. If you were within that time span from when people had made their reservations, a hostess can’t seat you there and guarantee you’ll be done in time. How would you feel if you were one of the people with reservations and you showed up and some d-bag food critic had taken your table? Make a reservation next time! The glass thing sucks but you could have asked for a new, chilled glass rather than drinking it. And fake plants? Really?! Who complains about that. The problem here is with YOU, not the restaurant.

  4. So is Trattner ever going to review a restaurant again? Or is he just reviewing food network shows anddealing with self-entitlement issues?

  5. if your going to criticise a restaurant first learn more about how the industry works before making yourself sound like an idiot. you should know that good restaurants will most likely have a wait on the weekends especially if you dont have a reservation. 20 min? that sounds like by the time u finished your first drink at the bar your table was waiting for you, after all you were out with the wife to enjoy each others company, why the hurry!!! Sounds like you have something againt this place… very professional

  6. Its sad to think that someone like u calls himself a professional. (I didn’t know a establishment had to have real flowers in order to conduct business) But it just shows how far your reaching and your mentality of thinking your far superior to everyone else. Honest people try and conduct business and make a living everyday and then have to deal with an attempt of personal vengeance and OBVIOUS AGENDA from someone who doesn’t know his head from his ass!!!!!
    Word of advise to you oh great one(Might wanna make a so called reservation ahead of time, especially on a friday night like u say) Wouldn’t u be pissed if u went to a establishment and had to wait cause some jackass thought he was special and needed your reservation. And a lot of higher end places can afford to give you bread for FREE. They don’t do it cause they are baiting u to eat there lol. They do it cause they appreciate u choosing them regardless if its just for a drink. Hey DOUG i appreciate u trying but u clearly failed on this one. Stick to something that suits u better buddy…… Hugs and Kisses :))))
    OMG….i just realized what i just wrote was more compelling then this douches articlearticle, hahahahaha

  7. I don’t see what the problem is with this article. Sure, we might be getting a little bit picky by wanting fresh flowers on the table, but other than that I didn’t read anything that bad or wrong. Yes you have to save room for your reservations, but did you ever hear the expression “a bird in the hand is better than two in the bush?” Take care of the customers that are in the building, because they are already there. Not everyone that makes a reservation comes in. Cold liquids shouldn’t be served in a hot glass, that’s almost as stupid as serving a cold salad on a hot plate. In the end, I really hope all those people that made reservations actually came in, because the restaurant was banking on that and lost two paying customers because of it.

  8. Hey doug santa called and needs u to go and write a review on his elfs and raindeer….he said he has real snow and everything is chilled!!!!

  9. I can see where a twenty minute wait with open tables could be frustrating. Perhaps you could have asked what was happening with those tables like you could have asked for a chilled glass. I’ve been in restaurants after making a reservation only to find that people had taken my table because they happened to walk in and the restaurant didn’t want to turn them away. My experience at Mia Bella is that they have always been polite and accommodating. Give them another chance.

  10. WOW! What’s such a shame is that because the evening didn’t start out as this guy hoped, whatever restaurant he would have walked into would have probably gotten slammed! I’ve gone to Mia Bella a couple of times with no reservation and have not had any problems. The owner actually recognized me as a previous patron on my second visit and brought our table out an appetizer on the house. I absolutely adore this place and love their ‘new’ take on Little Italy and the cuisine!

  11. It’s too bad this guy had such unrealistic expectations on walking into a very popular restaurant on a Friday night with no reservation. I would guess that they have a policy regarding how long they hold a table for a reservation and had Mr. Trattner had the civility to ask, he may have had a very different experience. I have been to Mia Bella a number of times and have returned both for their delicious food and the friendly and warm hospitality I have received at each visit. I also feel that he is intentionally trying to not pay the owner a compliment by describing her as “the old woman by the door”. Yes, she is the owner who is there at the door 7 days a week, greeting each patron and welcoming them to the family restaurant. She may not be one of the hot 20-somethings that many local restaurants have at their doors to make patrons believe they are interesting enough to hang out with the beautiful people, but she works her ass off running her business. If Mr. Trattner hadn’t been so busy having a temper tantrum he might have experienced the pleasures of Mia Bella. And if I had been his date, wife or not, I would be embarrassed to be with him if this is how he treats hard working restaurant staff.

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