Afternoon Brew: Swimming the Ohio River, 690-Pound Woman, Exotic Dancer is a Killer, and Microwaves

• Someone hired her to strip. Really. We’re not joking.

Good afternoon, Cleveland. Here’s some stuff to read while you apply for a job with Cuyahoga County’s Board of Revision.

— Kristina Hensley is an exotic dancer, despite what she may look like in her mugshot. A lonely gentleman in Cincinnati hired her to come to his house for a private session recently. Unfortunately she hit him with her car on the way, dragged his body, which was stuck on the car’s undercarriage, for miles, and is now in jail. Who knew there was something more dangerous about strippers than the possibility of a virulent STD? (CBS)

— A search for a missing man was called off after the boy’s father called police to tell them the boy had simply swam across the Ohio River. Perhaps they should have let cops know before the incident that those were his plans. (KY Post)

— Ohio University received a grant worth $388,000 from the federal government. What will the school be using it for? Buying new microwaves with sensors, of course, because college kids can’t use microwaves properly and it costs the school $2,000 every time some dumb freshman sets something on fire. (AP)

— A 690-pound Shaker Hts. woman called Channel 5 for help when she couldn’t get to the doctor’s office for proper medical care. Firefighters and EMS, you should know, only come and lift morbidly obese people and take them places if they are in danger of dying. (NewsNet5)

This article appears in Aug 11-17, 2010.