Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: Does a Mono/Poly Relationship Actually Work?

Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.

Hey Matt. I have been with my boyfriend for about three years and he recently mentioned how he wants to explore having sex with other people. This isn’t entirely new to me as when we started the relationship, he mentioned how he feels like he could be ethically non-monogamous. I knew one day this would show up and even though I have been mentally preparing for it, I still feel unsettled. I don’t see myself being ethically non-monogamous, so could someone like me be with someone like him?

– Anonymous female

What an interesting dilemma you find yourself in, Anonymous female. In sex and relationship therapy, we would call this a “mono/poly relationship.” Essentially, it is when one partner identifies as monogamous (mono) and the other as polyamorous (poly). At first glance, it might seem like a disaster waiting to happen. You’ve got two people with different relationship structures trying to make it work. I am sure if I researched the depiction of “mono/poly” in entertainment, I would find examples where the monogamous individual is bamboozled by the polyamorous individual and the relationship ends, usually depicting the poly person as bad, weird, or gross. But here’s the truth, mono/poly relationships can work if we avoid the bamboozling and are open to exploring this uncommon dynamic. So, let’s dive into relationship structure and I’ll layout a blueprint of how a couple may be successful navigating it.

First, let’s explore one of the biggest challenges that pops up in mono/poly relationships: Time. If you’re monogamous and dating someone who has other partners, it’s normal to feel the pinch around time and attention. Lola Phoenix, a poly researcher, calls this dilemma the “hierarchy of time.” You won’t get all their hours, all their days, or all their focus. In reality, that is true in all relationships as our partners live separate lives from us which include other friends, family, and activities. What is key here for you to start navigating this, Anonymous female, is finding a higher level of autonomy within yourself. Many monogamous folks thrive with this structure because it gives them more independence. Maybe they have demanding jobs, solo hobbies, or just enjoy personal space. If both people can hold the truth that one relationship doesn’t cancel out another, then time becomes something that’s negotiated, not fought over.

Mono/poly dynamics also shine a much-needed spotlight on toxic monogamy myths. We’re often taught that a partner should be our everything (e.g. best friend, lover, therapist, workout buddy, etc.). But that’s just not realistic, and it can be extremely suffocating for some people. In a mono/poly setup, there’s more room to breathe. You’re encouraged to hold onto your sense of self, your other relationships, and your personal goals. That’s a big shift from the “merge-and-lose-yourself” model that some monogamous relationships unintentionally reinforce. Autonomy becomes sexy again, not suspicious.

Of course, this setup isn’t without emotional growing pains. Unlike traditional relationships, there isn’t a playbook for mono/poly. I would also argue that the playbook for traditional monogamous relationship can be broken as well, but that is for another article. Because there is no inherent structure, that means you’re navigating a lot of unfamiliar territory, and that can trigger insecurities or jealousy. But monogamy doesn’t guarantee safety from heartbreak either. Your partner could still fall for someone else at the office or a cute barista at their local coffee shop (shoutout to Gypsy Beans!). Polyamory just acknowledges that love and attraction don’t disappear the second we commit to another person. The difference is how you handle. That’s the real work.

Lastly, it’s crucial to enter a mono/poly dynamic for the right reasons. It’s not a relationship makeover strategy. I see this all of the time in my office. Someone notices that the relationship may not be working anymore so instead of ending it, they try “opening up.” You can’t slap “polyamorous” on your status and expect to fix something broken. This is a full-on relationship paradigm shift, meaning it needs mutual understanding and a deep curiosity about each other’s needs and values. So, ask yourself: does this setup energize me? Do I feel like I can voice my boundaries and still feel heard? Mono/poly might not be traditional, but for some folks, it’s where freedom and intimacy meet in the best possible way.

If you’re really unsure whether this kind of dynamic is right for you, consider doing a simple cost-benefit analysis. Take out a piece of paper or open a notes app and divide the screen into two columns. On one side, list all the emotional, relational, and logistical benefits this relationship brings into your life (e.g. think personal growth, companionship, freedom, excitement, etc.). On the other side, list the costs, like unmet needs, recurring pain points, or emotional labor that’s starting to wear you down. Once it’s out of your head and in front of you, patterns often become clearer. You’re allowed to love someone deeply and still decide that the relationship structure doesn’t work for you. That’s not failure, that’s actually alignment with what you want. Finally, if you need more help, my office door is always open. Well, not really. You have to make an appointment first but, I think you know what I mean.

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

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