Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: Sexual vs Romantic Compatibility: Which One is More Important?

Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.

I’m a 24 year old woman and I’m in a bit of a weird situation. I recently ended a short but intense situationship with this guy I had insane sexual chemistry with, but emotionally and romantically, we just didn’t click. We wanted different things, and our communication styles clashed hard. So we agreed to stop seeing each other. But now, a few weeks later, we’re both still texting. It’s flirty, sexual, and we’re both clearly thinking about sleeping together again. Neither of us wants a relationship, but the sex is great. So I am wondering, can you be sexually compatible but romantically incompatible? If so, is it ever a good idea to keep sleeping together or should I just stop now?

– Phoebe

Hey Phoebe! What a fascinating question and one that I think crosses a lot of our minds. First, congrats on finding someone who you have great sex and sexual chemistry with these days. It is worth calling out that a lot of people can struggle finding fulfilling sexual encounters, especially vulva-owners, so finding a guy who you are in sync with is worth celebrating. This might be a good time to introduce what we in the sex therapy world refer to as the “Good Sex Model.” Basically, a lot of people go into every sexual experience hoping it’ll be THE BEST they’ve ever had. That can put a lot of pressure on something that is supposed to be pleasurable. It sets folks up for disappointment because there are so many factors (e.g. mood, stress, timing, communication) that can throw things off. The “Good Sex Model” invites us to shift our expectations. Instead of aiming for a perfect 10 every time, what if we just aimed for “good”? When we do that, we’re much more likely to feel satisfied most of the time, and those exceptional, mind-blowing moments become delightful bonuses instead of expectations we feel we’ve failed to meet.

Let’s talk a little bit about compatibility and how it gets built. As therapists, we love the phrase, “two truths can exist at one time.” For example, I can love my partner and also be frustrated with them. Which happens all the time in my relationship, although I am sure my partner never gets frustrated with me ;). So yes, you can absolutely be sexually compatible and romantically incompatible (and vice versa). Part of being human involves our minds and bodies moving at different paces. It’s entirely possible to have outrageous chemistry with someone who just doesn’t do it for you on an emotional level.

Compatibility gets built in a number of ways. One of those ways is through our values. When two or more people align on what’s important to them (e.g. communication, sex, independence, or family) it creates a foundation that can weather a lot of issues. These values don’t have to be identical, but there needs to be respect and understanding for each other’s guiding principles. When it comes to sexual compatibility, those values can be different than relationship compatibility. For example, maybe I value exploration and spontaneity in sex, but when it comes to a long-term partner, I value routine and stability. This is one of the reasons why casual sex can be exciting for people, because they get to explore different parts of their sexuality without feeling like they have to emotionally invest.

Another key way compatibility develops is through shared experiences, which are built over time. Intimacy is built through vulnerability and connectedness. So, while I may not feel totally aligned with you in the beginning of our relationship, I can learn more about how you navigate your world by tuning in to our shared journey together. These lived experiences build a rhythm between you two, a kind of emotional shorthand that turns “you and me” into “us.”

Now for the harder part of your question: Should you keep sleeping with him?
Well Phoebe, let’s start with exploring your relationship with casual sex. What are you really wanting here? Is this a truly mutual “just sex” dynamic? Or are you lowkey hoping the next orgasm will come with a side of emotional intimacy? Remember, bodily contact with another human, especially sharing an orgasm with them, releases oxytocin (among other happy chemicals) which increase the likelihood of developing an emotional bond with someone. But that is just one factor that plays a role. Many people have sex without struggling with deepening emotional feelings for the other person. So, intention is key here. If one of you is secretly, or not-so-secretly, hoping things will evolve, it’s no longer just casual. We are now entering a sticky territory where one or both of you could end up hurt.

If both of you are crystal clear, emotionally honest, and truly okay with the boundaries of the connection, you have my blessing. The empowerment that can be felt through casual sex can be an amazing feeling. Ride the wave, enjoy the pleasure, and keep checking in with yourself and him to make sure you are staying on the same page. If you are struggling to determine if this is something you can do, ask yourself the following three questions:

• Can I genuinely separate sex from emotional romance with this person?
• What do I need to not get hurt?
• What does “casual” look like for me in practice?

To wrap up, I want to leave you with this: pay attention to what your body is telling you. If you’re second-guessing yourself or feeling uncertain about whether this is the right choice, that’s not shame, that’s wisdom. Your body often knows before your brain can explain it. You’re allowed to want more with someone. You’re ALSO allowed to enjoy amazing sex. Just don’t confuse the spark with something sustainable. A strong attraction can be exciting, but it doesn’t always mean long-term success.

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

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