Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: True Cuckolding vs. Sexual Coercion

Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.

I became a cuckold after my wife slept with a lot of men. I came across a website that talked and explained about hotwifing and cuckolding, which intrigued me as I love my wife despite her being unfaithful.
When I explained it to her we decided to become a cuckold, which was good as we communicated where she was, and with who.

The only thing that is hard to deal with is emotions. I am ok one minute, and hurting so bad the next. My wife seems not to mind or care at all.

How can I overcome the emotions? I have come to terms that I am a cuckold.

– John

Hey John! Thanks for bringing up one of the most divisive, and misunderstood, kinks that exists these days. You have provided a great amount of information, and I want to make sure I unpack it for you as your question is pretty nuanced. First, let me explain for those reading what a cuckold is and what it is not. The word cuckold has often been thrown around as an insult, loaded with shame and emasculation, especially when used outside of its original context. Yes, by definition, a cuckold is a man whose wife has sex with someone else, but what’s often overlooked is the difference between betrayal and consent. When it comes to kinky play, cuckolding can be a mutually agreed-upon kink or fantasy where all parties are informed and aligned. There’s no deceit, no humiliation unless that’s part of the negotiated play, and certainly no shame in consenting adults exploring their desires. Reducing the term to an insult misses the point entirely, and quite frankly, reinforces harmful narratives around masculinity, ownership, and control in relationships.

John, the way your question is worded makes it sound like you’re being pushed into something you might not fully want. So, I am going to approach this from two angles: consent and non-consent. I want to give space to the possibility that you’re actually onboard with this dynamic, but first, let’s talk about the idea of being coerced. You wrote, “my wife does not seem to care at all.” If this is true, it raises a red flag for me. If this is proper cuckolding, your wife would care, as this kink is geared towards both of you deriving satisfaction: her from sexual pleasure and you from humiliation/power exchange. John, if this is not something you want to do, consider having a conversation with your wife on finding an arrangement that is mutually beneficial.

But let’s say you are consenting to this. What you are experiencing can be common in the beginning stages of kink play. There can be a ton of uncertainty over what we are feeling when we open our relationship to explore new sexual dynamics, especially when we decide to start playing with others. It sucks to hear that you find yourself swinging from one end of the pendulum to the other. So, in an attempt to stop the swinging, we have to remind ourselves why we agreed to this in the first place. The beauty of being a cuckold lies in the unique sexual gratification a person receives from watching or knowing their partner is engaging with another person. There’s a feedback loop that gets activated here, and it can be incredibly erotic when it’s aligned with your desires. That’s why it’s so important to find your anchor (i.e. your reason for doing this). When the emotions get turbulent, that anchor can help ground you in the choice you made and the pleasure it was meant to bring.

Once you’ve identified your anchor, the next step is learning how to regulate your emotions when things get hard. This is where therapy could come in handy. Did you think I would get through this article without talking about how helpful therapy can be? If you feel like it is too much to handle, a kink-affirming therapist would be able to help you know how to soothe yourself when jealousy or insecurity creep into your brain. But if therapy seems too scary right now, deep breathing, practicing mindfulness, or going for a walk, could all be options in helping you process these unwanted feelings. In reality, any stress-reduction technique can help here as I want you to have tools that help you ride the waves without capsizing every time something gets stirred up. My go to is cleaning my house while listening to a podcast. It helps me to relax and more importantly, slow down.

If you want an activity you can do right now, a simple and effective deep breathing technique you can try is called “box breathing.” It’s often used by therapists, athletes, and even the military to calm the nervous system and bring the body back into a regulated state. Here’s how it works: imagine drawing a box with your breath. Inhale slowly through your nose for a count of four, hold that breath for another count of four, then exhale through your mouth for four, and finally hold your breath again for four. That’s one full cycle. You can repeat this a few times until you feel your body start to settle. It’s a great way to anchor yourself when you feel overwhelmed, anxious, or emotionally flooded.

Finally, there is one more piece that keeps jumping out at me that we must explore. John, I think you need to talk with your wife. If you’re feeling disregarded or like your needs aren’t being held with care, that matters. Remember, relationships are optional. Our society does a great job at not having us think that, but at the end of the day, they are. This isn’t about being right or wrong; it’s about bringing your feelings into the room. I get that this can be vulnerable and scary, especially if it has not been practiced. But if you feel safe enough, share what it feels like when she seems to dismiss your emotions. This whole thing only works if both of you feel seen. Don’t skip that conversation. It might be uncomfortable, but it’s how you build trust and safety back into the relationship.

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

Subscribe to Cleveland Scene newsletters.