Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: Why Does My Partner Masturbate? Am I Not Enough?

Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.

Hey Matt,
Why does my partner need to masturbate when he is in a relationship with me? Aren’t I enough? I just don’t get it.

– Christina

Hey Christina. Thanks for writing in and wanting to explore a topic that comes up frequently in my line of work. Masturbation can be such a taboo topic for couples to explore. The history of the practice is fascinating. If you want a deeper dive, check out Dr. Eric Sprankle’s phenomenal book, DIY: The Wonderfully Weird History and Science of Masturbation. From masturbation existing even in prehistoric times, to the famous story involving Dr. John Kellogg (yes, the creator of Corn Flakes), the practice of self-stimulation has had a long, complex journey. When you sprinkle in that many religions (e.g. Catholicism, Judaism, Mormonism, and Islam) condemn the practice, it makes sense that us humans living in 2025 would have a difficult relationship with this natural, healthy act. So, let’s explore the reasons behind masturbation and why I want you, Christina, to not be in competition with it.

Contrary to what NoFap culture and toxic gender norms will have you believe, masturbation is quite healthy for penis and vulva-owners. Masturbation isn’t just about pleasure, it’s also a powerful form of self-care with real physical benefits. For people with vulvas, regular self-pleasure can improve pelvic floor strength, increase natural lubrication, and support circulation to the genitals, which can enhance arousal and orgasmic capacity over time. It’s also been shown to help relieve menstrual cramps, improve sleep, and reduce stress. For penis owners, masturbation supports healthy erectile function by encouraging blood flow and keeping the tissues of the penis active and responsive. It can also reduce the risk of prostate issues later in life, improve sleep, and serve as a natural mood stabilizer, thanks to the flood of feel-good chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin.

Beyond the genitals, masturbation benefits the whole body. It strengthens your connection to pleasure, teaches you what feels good and what doesn’t, and can make partnered sex more satisfying because you’re better able to advocate for your needs. Let’s be honest: our bodies crave touch and release. Masturbation is one way to meet those needs with zero pressure or performance demands. There is a reason we like to call it, “self-love.” It’s not about replacing a partner; it’s about staying connected to your own body, your own pleasure, and your own health.
But I get it, Christina. If I grew up in a world that told me I was in competition with masturbation, I would probably feel similar (oh wait, I did). For me, it took time to unlink masturbation from my ability as a partner. My partner goes to the gym, hangs out with friends, eats, and even shits without me present. Why would self-love be any different? Self-pleasure is one of the earliest (if not the earliest) way we learn how to feel sexual pleasure. Have you ever questioned why something that can bring so much joy is supposed to all of a sudden go away once we are in a relationship? It’s wild! Yet, most people fall into this trap. Instead, we should be asking ourselves where we learned the idea that we have to be the only person responsible for our partner’s sexual pleasure.

Sex shouldn’t be a competition. I tell my clients all the time to never use the word “should,” but it just fits perfectly here because it is the reality that we are trying to undo. Not to sound all existential, but we enter this world with just ourselves and our own sexuality. This is something we try to nurture as we grow from children into adults. Through this nurturance, hopefully we begin to understand various aspects of what we like and dislike, how to turn ourselves on and off, and how to give our sexual energy to another person. It is when we start sharing our sexual energy with others that the lack of sex education really starts to show. Christina, you are enough. Your partner masturbating is most likely a sign that he’s engaging with his own sexual energy, not rejecting you. Now, if the two of you weren’t having any partnered sex and he was consistently choosing masturbation instead, I’d be curious about what might be going on. That pattern could be coming from a place of shame, anxiety, or something else worth exploring together.

As I wrap this up, I want to drive home the point that masturbation isn’t the enemy of intimacy. In truth, when done in a healthy way, it can actually support it. When we stop seeing self-pleasure as a threat and start viewing it as a part of a healthy sexual ecosystem, we create more space for connection and confidence in our relationships. Christina, your feelings are valid, and I hope this helped reframe some of the fear or discomfort that may be bubbling underneath. Keep having these conversations, ask the hard questions, and remember: your partner’s sexuality doesn’t cancel out your own. There’s room for both to flourish separately and together.

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

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