Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: Why Does Vacation Sex Always Feel Better Than Sex at Home?

Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.

These past couple of years I have been traveling more than I ever have in my life. I realized that a lot of my friends who I love live in other states, and I wanted to spend more time with them. One could say I am in my “travel era” as well because I want to see as many part of this beautiful world while I have the energy to do it. I would say I am a pretty easy traveler (my partner may disagree) and I do not carry much anxiety or stress once we are on the road or through security if I am flying. As with most people who travel for fun, one of the reasons I do it is to disconnect as much as I can from my day-to-day responsibilities running my business. Because of this, I tend to have more of an opportunity to look for and engage in dopamine producing experiences.

So, let’s talk about this very real phenomenon that vacation sex is almost always better than sex at home. There’s something about being away from your regular routine, your to-do lists, and your “I should be doing laundry right now” thoughts that opens up a whole new space for erotic energy. As we continue to sweat through this summer heat, let’s break down what’s going on here, and how you might be able to bring some of that vacation magic back into your regular life.

As I have already hinted at, vacations usually lower our stress. What’s one of the biggest brakes on sexual desire? That’s right: stress. At home, we’re juggling work, kids, emails, and if you are like me, a cat who has separation anxiety (I love you Franklin, never change). Even when you want to have sex, your body is often still in survival mode. But when you’re sitting in a hot tub overlooking the mountains or lying in a sun-drenched bed with nowhere to be, your nervous system finally gets the memo: it’s safe to relax. Vacations allow for that, and when your body feels safe, your erotic brain can start to play.

Another reason we need to consider involves novelty. Our brains love new experiences, and that includes new environments. When you’re staying in a new place, whether it’s a sleek hotel, a beachside Airbnb, or even a tent, it cues your body and brain to pay attention. I just finished camping at Middle Bass Island in Lake Erie and although I prefer a room with walls to sleep in, the overall experience was so relaxing. That increased attentiveness spills over into your sex life. You might notice your partner differently, touch more curiously, or feel more uninhibited because you’re not staring at the same ceiling fan you’ve had for the past ten years. Novelty can reawaken our senses, and that’s a huge turn-on for most of us.

Let’s also not forget that we just have more time when we are on vacation than when we are in our regular routines. At home, sex often gets crammed in between tasks: right before bed when everyone is exhausted, or in the 12 minutes before the kids get home. On vacation, time stretches. You can take a long shower together without thinking about your water bill. You can have morning sex and then nap. Can we talk about the power of a nap? Truly remarkable. That slower pace let’s desire build more and allows for exploration, laughter, and even those “we haven’t done that in a while” moments. This freedom is something we should not let go to waste.

Shifting gears slightly, there’s also the mental freedom that comes with just being “away.” I know I get excited at the idea of being out of my normal routine and finding something new to do on vacation. When you’re out of your usual environment, you might feel less inhibited. Maybe you wear lingerie you’d never put on at home. Maybe you try that position that felt too silly before. Hell, maybe you grab a third and try that threesome that you have been fantasizing about since college. Vacation is a permission slip to break out of old roles. You’re not just “partner, parent, provider,” you’re a sexual being, and this new space gives you the chance to remember that.

If you are curious on how to bring the vacation mindset sex home with you, one simple but powerful way is to create a “date night escape” in your own space. Pick an evening, turn off your phones, and treat your bedroom like it’s a luxury suite (i.e. clean the space, light some candles, play a sexy playlist, and wear something that makes you feel good). Order in your favorite meal, take a slow shower or bath together, and give yourselves permission to forget about responsibilities for the night. The goal isn’t to perform or recreate vacation sex perfectly. Instead, it’s to set the stage for presence, play, and connection, just like you would if you were far from home. If needed, this is also a great way to bring back the spark or passion to the relationship without it feeling forced or clunky.

So, is it the hotel bed that’s better? No, although some of those beds are a ten out of ten. It’s the mindset that comes with stepping out of routine. The good news is you don’t have to fly to Mexico to find that energy again. What if you engaged in the “date night escape?” What if you scheduled time, real time, for intimacy, even if it’s not spontaneous? What if you let yourself get playful again? There are so many options for you and your partners to explore. Vacation sex is great. But vacation “mindset” sex? That’s where the real magic is.

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

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