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When Randy Lerner announced last year that he would sell the majority stake in the Cleveland Browns to Jimmy Haslam, Browns fans had a collective orgasm. It’s our time! Things are going to change!

But things never change in Cleveland, do they? As proof, a short rundown of the calamitous, utterly predictable, and entirely Brownsy events that have transpired since the end of last season.

Jimmy Haslam and his company, Pilot Flying J, are under investigation by the FBI for a (alleged) massive rebate scam that Jimmy Haslam (allegedly) knew about.

Fresh free-agent linebacker Quentin Groves was arrested for soliciting a prostitute after being caught in a police sting.

Undrafted free agent Ausur Walcott was released from the team after being charged with attempted murder after punching a man who is now in critical condition.

Wide receiver Josh Gordon will serve a two-game penalty after failing a drug test.

The Browns’ massively overblown announcement of a Bon Jovi concert to kick off the season at Browns Stadium is followed shortly by an announcement of a cancellation of said concert due to lackluster ticket sales.

This article appears in Jun 19-25, 2013.

Vince Grzegorek has been with Scene since 2007 and editor-in-chief since 2012. He previously worked at Discount Drug Mart and Texas Roadhouse.

6 replies on “The Browns Are Having the Most Browns Offseason Ever”

  1. You forgot Trent Richardson being charged with felonious assault of a motor vehicle and the subsequent civil suit.

  2. Our tax dollars pay for the stadium, but the money for the ability to name it goes into the owners’ pockets. How does that make sense?

  3. Haslam had a bigger chip to play than most businessmen – his brother is governor of the state – and that connection did not prevent the Feds from slamming down the door. With so many top employees chirping faster than the political rats in Cuyahoga County during the downfall of Dimora and Russo…..the odds are getting lower that Haslam’s tenure as team owner will end with a thud, while inside the federal courtroom.

  4. Plagiarise much Vince? Your article is a factory of sadness, do some homework and write something original.

  5. And we’re just finding out that Haslem’s company is 4 billion in debt. The ship is sinking, fast. All the rats should start jumping off soon.

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