Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: Why Am I Like This? Planting the Seeds of Sexuality

Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.

Have you ever wondered why you carry shame when it comes to your sexuality? Why when you lie next to your partner you struggle with whether they find you attractive or if the sex you just had was any “good?” The constant uncertainty over how we show up as sexual human beings can be exhausting. While yes, we can all point to the “era of body shaming” that really took off in the late aughts (Joan Rivers, you are a legend and an icon, but you did a lot of harm to all of us), it is a little bit more complex, and insidious, than just that. This week, I wanted to help you answer these questions by exploring one of the best metaphors that has ever been created (in my opinion) to describe how our sexuality is shaped over time, and not just a fixed trait we inherit at birth. I am referring to Emily Nagoski’s “Garden Metaphor.”

Let’s talk a little bit about Emily Nagoski. She is an American sex educator and researcher who has made a career on studying arousal and desire. While she has written a few books, her most famous one, Come As You Are, is a digestible guide for all readers who want to understand how their sexual energy shows up in their bodies. While she is not the originator of many concepts related to sexual development and desire (see Rosemary Bassoon, Masters & Johnson, and Alfred Kinsey), she has done an exceptional job of adapting and translating their research into practical tools for the modern reader. You would be hard pressed to find a sex therapist who doesn’t reference her work. I had the privilege of hearing her speak at a conference in 2024 and as corny as it sounds, it was life changing.

I thought it would be important to highlight one of the ways she helps readers understand how they develop their sexual scripts. This metaphor feels especially relevant because, in my work with clients, we regularly explore where feelings of shame take root and where acceptance is allowed to flourish. Understanding these patterns helps us begin the process of rewriting old scripts and planting new ones, not only helping us feel more in control of our sexuality, but also enhancing our connection with others. So, what is the Garden Metaphor? Well, let’s dive into it.

In her words, Emily says each of us has a proverbial “garden.” When we’re young, we don’t have much control over what gets planted there. Parents, teachers, religious leaders, media, peers, they’re the ones doing the planting. The seeds they drop in are things like beliefs, values, rules, shame, curiosity, and expectations about sex, bodies, relationships, and intimacy. For me, being raised Catholic complicated my relationship with sexuality from an early age. I didn’t receive much sex education, and as a member of the queer community, I didn’t have many safe or affirming places to turn when I had questions. The late ’90s and early 2000s weren’t exactly the most welcoming time to be a young gay kid in the Midwest. While my parents did a great job creating an open environment, they also passed down beliefs shaped by their own upbringing, beliefs that were influenced by generations before them.

At some point, maybe when we first become adults, enter our 30s, or begin exploring sexual shame, the garden becomes ours to tend. We take on the role of gardener and begin to start weeding concepts that don’t resonate with us anymore. That means we can look around and ask, “Do I actually believe this?” or “Does this still serve me?” While we are pulling the weeds, or messages rooted in shame or fear, we also might find beautiful things growing that we want to keep and continue to water (e.g. pleasure, agency, connection, etc.). The point isn’t to blame ourselves for what’s growing in our garden. We didn’t have much control over what was planted. Instead, it’s about recognizing that we didn’t choose those seeds, but now, as adults, we get to decide what stays, what goes, and what new seeds we want to plant.

If you want to dig a little deeper into this whole garden idea, try this simple activity. Grab a journal or even sketch it out if that feels more your speed, and think about some of the messages, values, or beliefs that were planted in you growing up. What were you taught about sex, love, bodies, pleasure, and relationships? Then ask yourself: Which of these still feel true for me? Which ones feel outdated or like they don’t quite fit anymore? Where did these beliefs come from (family, religion, media, school)? Finally, how have your life experiences caused some of those ideas to evolve? The goal isn’t to get it all “right,” but to start noticing what’s in your garden and whether it’s time to plant something new.

Remember, human sexuality is complex. These days, we don’t really call our libidos, “sex drives” anymore because a drive is something you need to survive and while some of us may feel like we need sex to survive, that is not the case. I prefer using the phrasing, “sexual energy,” as that is truly what we are pulling from when we are accessing our sexual selves. This energy, our garden, should be explored so to eradicate as much shame as we can. At 36, I’ve tended my garden many times over, uncovering deep-rooted weeds I thought I had pulled in my 20s, only to realize they’re still growing today. Approach this journey as non-judgmentally as you can. Give yourself, and those who planted seeds in your garden when you were younger, some grace, as we are all trying to navigate this world and its complex relationship with sex. You only get one life. Don’t let shame around sex control how you engage with it.

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

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