Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.
As a sex therapist, I read a lot of articles and research about sex and relationships. Some articles are great, and I walk away learning something new. Others, well, not so much. But every once in a while, I come across something that genuinely fascinates me, or I discover that the internet has created another dating term for something human beings have probably been doing for hundreds of years. Recently, I came across a Psychology Today article about “cushioning,” and apparently we have another dating term to add to our ever-growing relationship vocabulary.
The basic idea is pretty simple. You are dating someone or you are in a relationship, but you are also maintaining potential romantic backups. Maybe you are flirting with someone at work. Maybe you are keeping an ex warm. Maybe you occasionally message someone you know is attracted to you. Maybe you never quite deleted that dating app because, you know, you just like “looking around.” You are not necessarily having sex with these people, you may not even intend to date them right now, but you are simply making sure that if your current relationship explodes, you have a nice soft cushion to land on. Hence the name. After finishing the article I was sitting there thinking, wait, haven’t people been doing this forever. The technology has changed, but the behavior really hasn’t. Fifty years ago, maybe you kept flirting with the neighbor or maintained a suspiciously close friendship with an ex. Today, you can keep someone warm through Instagram stories, Snapchat, dating apps, text messages, or the occasional strategically placed fire emoji. Technology just makes it significantly easier to keep someone hovering in your romantic orbit.
But here is where cushioning actually gets interesting to me. Why do we feel like we need a backup plan in the first place? One possibility is that cushioning protects us from one of the most uncomfortable experiences in dating: uncertainty. Relationships require one of the scariest actions we can do as a human, and that is to be vulnerable. There is no way around that. You can love someone deeply, communicate beautifully, have incredible sex, build a life together, and there is still no guarantee that the relationship will last forever. That uncertainty can be terrifying. Keeping another person nearby can create the illusion that you have protected yourself from that uncertainty. If this relationship ends, at least I have someone else. If they reject me, at least somebody still wants me. If I end up alone, maybe I won’t actually have to be alone for very long. That cushion can start to feel like emotional insurance.
The problem is that emotional insurance can come with a pretty significant cost. If part of your attention is constantly focused on who might be next, how fully are you investing in who is actually in front of you? That does not mean noticing attractive people suddenly becomes forbidden once you enter a relationship. Attraction does not magically disappear because you changed your relationship status. You can be deeply in love with someone and still notice that the person standing in front of you at Vessel has a fantastic ass. Congratulations! Your eyes still work!
But let’s get to the question on many people’s minds: Is cushioning cheating? In short, maybe. I know that is not nearly as satisfying as giving you a giant YES or NO, but relationships rarely work that way. Different couples define fidelity differently. One couple might consider flirting with another person completely harmless. Another might consider maintaining an active dating profile a major violation. This is why I am constantly talking about boundaries and agreements and these articles. You cannot assume that everyone shares your definition of cheating. Instead of asking, “Does the internet consider this cheating?” a much more useful question is, “Does this behavior violate an agreement within our relationship?”
The article brings up another good point that I think it worth exploring. Are we fearing being single? We live in a culture that often treats being single like an unfortunate layover between relationships. People ask when you are going to meet someone. Dating apps encourage us to keep searching. Social media constantly shows us engagements, weddings, anniversaries, vacations, and smiling couples announcing that they found their person. So, when a relationship starts struggling, having someone waiting in the wings can feel incredibly reassuring. You never have to experience the uncomfortable space between relationships because you already have the next one warming up. But that uncomfortable space can actually be important. Being single gives us opportunities to figure out who we are outside of a relationship. If you immediately jump from one relationship into another because you had someone waiting on the bench, you may never give yourself the opportunity to understand what happened in the relationship you just left.
So if you recognize yourself in cushioning behavior, I would not immediately jump to, “Holy shit, I am a terrible person.” Instead, I would get curious. What are you protecting yourself from? Are you afraid your current relationship is going to end? Are there problems you are avoiding addressing? Are you keeping other people interested because their attention makes you feel desirable? Are you afraid of being alone? Are you genuinely interested in exploring relationships with multiple people but have never allowed yourself to consider consensual nonmonogamy? Or are you already emotionally leaving your relationship without actually having the conversation? Those questions are much more useful than simply deciding cushioning is another terrible dating trend we should all avoid.
To wrap up, if you need potential partners waiting in the wings before you feel secure enough to invest in the person standing in front of you, I am much less interested in judging you than I am in understanding why being without that cushion feels so scary. There are behaviors with catchy names being created all of the time (e.g. Ghosting, Breadcrumbing, Benching, Love bombing, Cushioning, etc.). Maybe the real question is not whether cushioning is the newest toxic dating trend. Maybe the question is why we are so afraid of falling without something waiting underneath us.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
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