But you are a parent now, and you don’t stay out late. And when you are able to secure a babysitter, you’re sure to be back home by 10:30PM because your babysitter is affordable and trustworthy and gets real annoyed if you keep her out late/drunk drive her home. You also have to consider your toddler who, regardless of how much joie de vivre/shots you experienced the night before, will wake you up at 6:30AM by yelling crying out with great excitement and force, as though he just solved an impossible quantum physics equation, “PANCAKES!!!!”
You wake up, it is early, your child wants pancakes, you are not hung over, but you would like to remember those years when you were. So you take yourself and your spouse and your child to Townhall for pancakes and some light day drinking to prove to yourselves that you are still human and that 9AM can be just as much fun as 9PM if you lie to yourself hard enough.
You can walk in the doors of Townhall when they open for brunch right at 9AM and they seat you immediately, because you are the only people there besides the hung over wait staff who are gathered around corner tables, rolling silverware as gently as possible so as not to make a single sound.
Townhall is well aware of its appeal to parents and they are prepared. The hostess immediately presents your child with a small coloring book, crayons, a temporary tattoo, a small toy, and A BALLOON. A balloon is the toddler equivalent of a new episode of Game of Thrones – they’re happy as shit and you’re not going to see them for the next hour.
The menu is shocking: in addition to normal, heavy, brunch fare they offer paleo, vegetarian, vegan, and gluten-free options. Literally every type of white person can eat here. But brunch is really all about beverages – for an ideal brunch, everyone should have at least four drinks going at the same time: coffee, water, juice, and the alcohol of your choice. Townhall has a huge fresh juice menu, which means you can experience the satisfaction of tricking your child into drinking kale.
Brunch at Townhall is a party – a party where your toddler drinks $15 worth of turmeric kale juice and cries when his balloon floats up to the ceiling for sixth time because you refuse to get it down this time and you warned him not to let go of it again, you really did… but a party nonetheless.
Pro-tip: Order the vegan cauliflower tabbouleh and a side of bacon. The two dishes cancel each other out and it’s like you ate nothing at all.
Rating: 5 out of 5 “Another mimosa? I really shouldn’t –but, there’s a playground nearby, right? Honey, can you play on a playground while mommy waits out her buzz? Yes? THEN YES.”
This article appears in Apr 27 – May 3, 2016.
Get faced? You have KIDS? Seriously? How old are you, anyway?
Every type of white person? You really think that’s amusing, let alone funny?
Will this series still be around for our RNC guests to roll their eyes at and say “How Cleveland” as they shake their heads? I pray not.
This city will be hosting tens of thousands of out-of-town guests…many from much larger and more worldly cities (like New York, mostly) and even from other countries. Other CONTINENTS, even.
Pleeeeeze, SCENE, pull the plug on this chick before July.
It’s bad enough the locals have to deal with this shit. Don’t let her embarrass us in front of the whole damn planet.
Chuckles the Clown
Finally a writer who’s a little right of the mundane “politically-correct” center, and had a single metro-sexual rolling in laughter over a few silly, albet spot-on jokes about other people’s rug rats.
Bravo ! Bravo !
Annoying article. Don’t let that idiot write for you anymore.
Annoying article. Don’t let that lady write for you anymore.
Every type of “white person”. Are you kidding me? Why is this article here???????
Two MORE self-incriminating quotes:
“And when you are able to secure a babysitter, you’re sure to be back home by 10:30PM because your babysitter is affordable and trustworthy and gets real annoyed if you keep her out late/drunk drive her home.
“Another mimosa? I really shouldn’t –but, there’s a playground nearby, right? Honey, can you play on a playground while mommy waits out her buzz? Yes? THEN YES.”
So her pathetic attempts at humor include not only admitting to DUI but,…much worse…doing it with your fucking KID? And this potentially life-threatening activity is supposed to be an edgy and hilarious attempt at hipster humor? REALLY?
No, what really needs to happen is that somebody calls Child Protective Services, or whatever they are called these days, on this POS c-word. Maybe I’ll drop the dime on the bitch myself.
Of course, if she were to immediately cease and desist these “reviews”…I just might shrug and look the other way.
Chuckles the Clown
I thought the article was really funny. If you don’t like it, don’t read it.
Some people will even laugh at train wrecks, and it’s obvious that you’re one of them. I’d ask you not to encourage her, but it appears she has already conned SCENE into continuing this pathetic series, and they’re really the only ones whose opinions matter.
Chuckles the Clown