The Wisdom of Macedonia Mayor Don Kuchta


Macedonia Mayor Don Kuchta retained his crown last fall by earning 47 more votes than the next guy and a couple dozen more than two others who almost beat him. He is a man of the people, as long as you’re not referring to the 75 percent of people who don’t actually like him.

But nobody can match the three-term mayor when it comes to ladling wisdom upon his appreciative populace. That includes a monthly “Mayor’s Message,” a newsletter in which Kuchta expounds on topics near to his heart. This month, he’s got environmentalism on his mind. Goddamned environmentalism.

The good mayor notes that taxes on gasoline pay for maintenance to the region’s streets. But as loathsome fuel-efficient vehicles increasingly occupy our roads, those precious funds are being depleted, which keeps red-blooded road-construction workers from buying socks at the Macedonia Walmart, or something like that. Anyway, we’re all getting screwed by fuel efficiency.

Most galling, says Kuchta: Prius-driving pantywastes are enjoying virtually free use of the roads that were paid for by your thirsty Grand Caravan, just as Jesus had intended. Naturally, this cannot be tolerated.
“Can somebody tell me why there are cars driving on roads built and maintained by state and federal gas tax that pay nothing?” the mayor asks. “That is why I [call] it highway robbery.”

Fun fact: Kuchta dabbles in ownership of a Macedonia gas station, where city employees reportedly are fond of fueling up and in no way feel compelled to.

“Maybe instead of spending millions of federal dollars to develop cars that don’t burn gas, we had better rethink this to get back to the ability to take care of roads and bridges,” Kuchta says.

Be sure to stay tuned for the Mayor’s April Message: “Vegetables Are Bullshit.”

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