Why I’m Actively Trying to Kill You for My Political Ambitions

Dear Constituent: I am your A.) governor B.) congressman C.) state rep D.) city councilman E.) aspiring candidate (choose all that apply). I just wanted to drop you a note explaining why I’m trying to kill you.

As you may have heard, Covid is once again on a murderous rampage. ICU beds are full. Hospitals are turning away patients. More than 1,000 Americans are dying every day from the virus, including children. Much of this is due to people like me. And it’s all your fault.

You may recall that when Covid first appeared, I was among those pretending it didn’t exist. We were fine with you dying. It was the stock market we were worried about.

We didn’t expect the ruse to actually work. Who just ignores an invisible mass murderer slaughtering people across the planet? Apparently you do.

So we ran with it, calling it a hoax, claiming it was no worse than the flu, saying it only killed old people, who nobody cares about anyway. We figured you’d eventually wise up. Hell, we’re the guys who spent decades dismissing everything from AIDS to climate change. It’s pretty clear that science isn’t our strong suit.

But you believed.

Our masterstroke was convincing you that masks and vaccines were an assault on liberty. (I consider this to be the highlight of my career.) Never mind that you’ve spent a lifetime getting shots for diphtheria, polio, the mumps and measles. Why? Because back When America Was Great, your parents didn’t want you to be agonizingly sick. But we convinced you that any protection from the deadliest of all was tantamount to STEALING YOUR FREEDOM! Christ, we even told you to drink bleach.

We figured you goofy bastards would get a clue when the death toll passed 600,000. Wrong. All we had to do is keep blubbering about China and Fauci and you were screaming at school board meetings and sending death threats to the state health department.

That’s because you’re what we like to call a “low-information voter.” You’re deeply insecure. You know the world is passing you by. You think all its complexities can be distilled into a meme of 12 words or less. So you’re willing to believe anything as long as it makes you feel like you’re not living in fear, like you stand for something. To a guy like me, you might as well be wearing a leash.

If I try to kill children by banning masks in schools, you cheer me on. When I blather about “government control,” you act like it’s the Sermon on the Mount. I mean, c’mon, I’m a politician, for chrissakes. Manipulation is my middle name. What have I ever done to suggest I have your best interests at heart?

The truth is, you and me are not that different, my friend. We’re both garden variety narcissists masquerading as freedom fighters. You’re willing to kill your family, friends, and coworkers to feel some facsimile of courage. And I’m willing to kill you if it means capturing the vote in my next primary.

We should get a beer sometime.

On second thought, that would suck.

Do I feel bad about any of this? Sometimes. My daughters haven’t talked to me since I burned that mask on Twitter. My in-laws made me eat in the garage at Easter. No, I didn’t get into this business to kill people. But when in Rome…

Tonight, you’ll likely see me on the news. I’ll be blabbering about “rights” and “freedom” and “medical authoritarianism,” and how this is all just like the Holocaust. If asked if I’ve been vaccinated, I’ll crank the outrage to 11. “That’s a super-vulgar personal question,” I’ll bluster. It’s a line I stole from Tucker Carlson. Translation: “Of course I’m vaccinated. Are you nuts?” But you won’t notice.

Only when you’re on a ventilator, gasping like a catfish, will you realize you’ve been played. You’ll die alone in the hallway of some overrun hospital that didn’t have the space to treat you. Freedom 2021, baby!

In my prayers that night – which I only do for theatrical purposes – I might even mutter a “thank you for your service – to me.” But probably not. You’re just someone I used and abused to become A.) a state senator B.) a failed presidential candidate C.) school board president D.) all of the above. When push comes to shove, I won’t give you a second thought. I have my integrity to maintain.