Savage Love

What a Picture's Worth

Dear Dan:

Last night I was blowing a male friend. When I glanced up from "my work," I saw that he was texting someone. I didn't say anything and finished the job, but I was offended. Another friend says I should've mentioned it because he might have been taking a picture. Any insight from you?

When Blowing Blows

He was taking pictures or making a video, and may have been e-mailing pics/vids to his buddies in real time. Don't be an idiot. You should've snatched that camera from his hand and stuffed it so far up his ass you could've sent yourself a picture of his mouth.

Dear Dan:

I'm a straight male, age 26. I've been with my girlfriend for seven years. We're lucky in that we have a group of friends who are into having sex with us. My question is, what is the proper etiquette for condom use between my girlfriend and me when others are present? We don't use condoms when we're alone, so we haven't been using condoms when we're in front of others. They are using them, and I use them if I have intercourse with another girl, so the risk for the two of us intuitively seems minimal. Is there anything we should be concerned about?

Group-Sex Rookie

If you and your girlfriend have been tested and you're "fluid bonded" (ugh! That term!) and you're not having sex in front of strangers at, say, a swingers club or party where someone might misinterpret your condom-free sex as a license to initiate condom-free sex with randoms to whom they are not fluid bonded (preventing these worst-case/biggest-idiot scenarios is why many organized swingers clubs require condoms-for-all during group/public parties), then I don't see why you and your girlfriend should have to use condoms with each other.

Dear Dan:

I'm a college freshman. I thought that college would be the place to come out, but the sad fact is that college hasn't changed anything. I'm still unable to admit my sexuality to my friends, teammates, classmates, and hallmates. I have thought about joining the LGBT organizations, but those guys are too "out" for me. The hardest part is seeing other freshmen go to parties, hook up, and date. I've resorted to going on Craigslist, but my encounters have been weird. What should I do?

Closeted Undergrad

You're not required to disclose who you're going out with or the gender of the folks you would like to go out with. But keeping your sexual orientation a secret indefinitely will ultimately warp your psyche and your life. If you don't want to get warped, you're going to have to come out. And once you're out, you don't have to hang out with gay people with whom you don't click, and you don't have to be gay the way, say, the LGBT groupers on your campus are gay.

You have, of course, the option of never coming out. But as you're discovering, it's hard to date in the closet, and DL-enabling sites like CL and Grindr aren't going to deliver the kind of connections you want. So long as you're limited to quickly arranged hookups with guys you don't know, can't risk getting to know, and can't be seen with in public, all of your encounters are going to be weird.

Look, CU, you're only 18. You've got time. But what you're going to realize, in not too much more time, is that dating and finding love — or even just sex — inside the closet is nearly impossible. And when you realize that, you'll come out. I know it's hard. But you can do it.

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